Longings

Christmas really sucks this year. Mr. Ketchum is dead. My husband has rejected all things Christmas. My heart breaks watching Grace and Melody struggle for a future together. Sometimes I long for the innocence of childhood when things seemed so much simpler. I know it's denial to pretend its ok when its not. It's almost like denial is a gift given to children but becomes a curse if we carry it into adulthood.

Mr. Ketchum and his tree farm have been our family for 20+ years. I wondered what it would be like to show up without my husband this year. They usually spend an hour chatting and catching up. But Mr. Ketchum died this spring. So the tradition changed even without my husband's recent change of heart. It was still hard to get our tree without Mr. Ketchum and my hubby, but I managed with only a few tears.

But this season is bittersweet too. This may very well be our last Christmas with Mom. She grows weaker each year. And if Grace is better by next Christmas, she will have Melody with her. I can only hope that her threats to never let us have access to Melody once she regains custody are the empty words of an angry, hurt mom.

But that scenario is better than the alternative. I am still so afraid of Grace returning to the poison. I am even more afraid of her returning to it after she gets custody of Melody. And she has to turn this around by next Christmas or CPS will give us permanent custody. That would kill any hope or motivation in Grace. One year is such a short time to undo 15 formative years of addiction...

So many things are out of my control. Kinda freaks me out if I think about it too long.

Maybe I'll just hope for the best - that Grace and Melody will be reunited by next year; that Grace will be strong in conviction and purpose by then; that they will be settled in their own home with lots of visits from granny.