Mother Knows Best

We saw Tangled last night, Disney’s new version of the Rapunzel fairytale. There were so many interesting undercurrents to the story, but one that struck me in my journey out of co-dependency was the role of the pretend mom – the only mother Rapunzel had ever known.  

As the audience, we knew she was evil. But she presented herself to Rapunzel as a loving, protective mom who only had the child’s best interest at heart. And there was enough in Gothel’s message for us to see why Rapunzel would grow up trusting the words from her mouth without knowing her heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like her, but I understood her. And in some frightening ways, I identified with her. I may not have been after a fountain of youth, but I wanted to hang onto my daughter at all costs.

I’ve always relished the role of caretaker for kids – they look up to me and like me and I feel successful because of it. It was (is) extremely frightening to think I have to be something outside of that role of mother. I still cling to it with the same desperation I saw in Gothel – albeit for different reasons. Who am I without a child?

So I kept Grace safe in my little pretend bubble. I grew up with alcoholics. Like Gothel, I didn’t want Grace to be exposed to the horrors of life. I know what it’s like to see those you love and trust turn mean. I know what it’s like to run and hide when the bottle came out. I was lucky, it was only emotional abuse in our family but the drunkenness is something I avoid to this day.

I remember the first time Grace saw my sister get drunk when she was about 7 years old. She asked me what was wrong with Sis, why her personality had changed. It frightened Grace back then. I had this wild hope that she would be afraid enough to never touch the stuff.

So what now? I wonder what is to become of me? Like Gothel, will I dissolve into dust as I tumble from the tower of my safe, pretend place? Or is there something beautiful outside these walls? I don’t want to know really.  I’d rather stay here. But somehow seeing my daughter become my mother times ten, and watching the damage to her child, tells me it’s time to face the truth.

And even though my motivation is for them, the truth is I cannot change the world for Grace. I cannot choose for her. I cannot protect her. I cannot live my life anchored only in my role as ‘mother’. I have to leap from that tower freely and hope I can discover there is indeed more to me than I think…