Reflections

As the countdown to New Year marches on this week, I am caught in the swirl of memories of this year. There is no doubt it has been a tough year. But it is better to have our 'issues' out in the open rather than continuing to dance around that elephant in the room. It's embarrassing to remember how strong my denial has been - and can be again if I let it.

Grace is doing so well, better than I think she ever has. Yet I find myself anxious, waiting and steeling my heart in case she falls again. How do I find that balance of trust enough to encourage her yet wise enough to watch for any signs of trouble?

It's a tough fact that she does not get a clean slate or a fresh start even though she's been clean for almost 2 months now. Being clean does not mean she starts at zero again. She's dug herself way down into the negative and it will be a long time before she's back to neutral. Even I find that discouraging and I worry it will cause her to give up.

So this year of harsh reality carries its burdens as we begin a new one. Grace still faces criminal charges for the jewelry she stole from us. CPS will determine permanent custody this year. I can only imagine how each day is a challenge for Grace to stay clean... Change is so hard to make, but maintaining a new direction is even harder.

I can't bring myself to hope for the new year. I am afraid she will fall again, afraid of watching the devestation that would inflict on Melody. On the other hand, I'm afraid she will do well and take Melody. Not only because Grace may cut off any contact with us, but because it means I'm not in control.

My need for control is an ugly drive that damages those around me. I find sutle ways to impose it... sometimes sweet, sometimes overt but always manipulative. My worrying is a way to keep others under my thumb - or try to. Grace rebels against the worry just as easily as the oppressive rules we often placed on her. Both are destructive.

No easy answers, so painless change. Just trying to let go, relax a little and enjoy the ride...