Do you understand what a big deal that is? Grace was upset last night. I started to go there with her, but caught myself and stayed calm. She's mad at her methadone group leader. I started trying to talk her down, but it wasn't helping. I realized she wanted to be mad.
I've come to recognize that pattern. Sometimes she's itching for an excuse to get wasted. This may not have been one of those times; she had been genuinely grieved by this lady. But so often she'll pick a fight on something that doesn't seem like a big deal to me and run with it. In the past, I know that meant she wouldn't be home that night.
Last night, I recognized the little tickle in the back of my brain. I wanted to calm her down not only because I didn't want her to be distressed, but I was afraid if she didn't calm down she would use again.
So I took a deep breath, said 'whatever' to myself and let her vent. I didn't try to correct her (a least not too much - I can only change so much at a time). I didn't go into that frantic panic of worry or rescue. I just let her be.
I will still grieve if this was the excuse that takes her back, but it's her choice. I can't change it. I don't prove anything to her or to myself by being the martyr who goes down with her. I want her healthy and whole. I long for her to grow the skills to be able to handle stress and anger. But she has to want it first. It's up to her - not me.
Not only is that reality, it means freedom for me. I feel a bit guilty about that. But it doesn't change a thing. She chooses her path and I choose mine.
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