A Bigger Journey

It's time to come clean. I've done a little blogging under a different title the last few months. I didn't announce it because I needed a more private place to process the things going on in my marriage and even in church. Most of the readers here know both my husband and my church, so I needed to be able to express myself freely without the worry of offending someone or not being respectful to my husband.

But I have discovered two things....

1) I need to bring the scattered pieces of my life together - I am more than just wife and mother and church member. I am a whole person trying to make healthy choices for the first time in my life. And...

2) I am strong enough now to speak my heart and not worry (as much) about how others will respond. I hope as I process from now on I am not offensive, but it is reasonable that I have my own thoughts and that I be allowed to express them - even if it gets messy sometimes.

So if you want to continue to share my journey, you can catch up on A Woman's Journey. Thank you for traveling with me thus far and God bless us as we each set sail for healing and wholeness.

She's Home

Funny, reading through that last post highlights my confusion these days. See, my husband was indeed VERY angry with me. He was a little more talkative for a few days once his headaches eased, but it was short-lived. He continued in the silent treatment until another big explosion (or at least it felt like an explosion to me). I even moved my things into the spare bedroom while he was a church that night after the argument, but he came home remorseful and repentant. To his credit, he's been trying harder since then. But he still gets angry and says things that hurt me. And I'm so bruised it doesn't take much to make me bleed right now.

But all that is secondary to today's big milestone. Grace was officially "awarded" custody of Melody today. What a concept, like a prize in a contest. Hummm, kinda was in some respects. But Grace has made so much progress and everyone agreed it's time. We all cried in relief, even Grace.

On a side note, Grace pricked a memory in me tonight. She was complaining about how my husband and I hijacked her Facebook page when she disappeared after leaving treatment. We had promised we would have her arrested for the theft of my jewelery if she left treatment so she ran, leaving Melody with us. We were panicked, wanting to know she was ok. She rightfully resents having her privacy invaded that way and how we announced her drug use to all her friends and former co-workers. There are a thousand arguments for and against what we did, none of which I want to explore tonight.

But she said tonight in her bitterness that we didn't care about her welfare at the time. She has no concept... one of my most vivid memories at the time was getting the dentist's phone number ready in case we needed her dental records. We were prepared to identify her body if needed. How does a mother weigh these preparations against her daughter's right to privacy on Facebook?

Yet the bigger picture tonight is that Melody is officially under Grace's control again. I am jubilant - such a positive step. Grace has beat the odds already. She and Melody are relating so much better than I've ever seen them do. They love each other so much and deserve this.

It's so strange to feel this joy along with the deepest terror I've ever experienced in my life. It's not so much a fear that Grace will return to heroin (although that is a frightening possibility), or even the fear from loosing control over Melody (I can't protect her anymore)... I am deathly afraid of being alone...

They love each other and don't need me anymore. That was the whole point of this, right? But I have built my life on them, they give me meaning and purpose. I am nothing without them. They are all that is good in my life. Not only were they my distraction from all that is lacking in my marriage, they are the very essence of who I am. I cannot fathom a future where they function independently without me.

Weird. I've been telling Grace for decades now that she has to figure out how to function on her own. One of these days we won't be there to take care of her, to rescue her. Now she's fought her way to that reality all on her own. And I'm the one in a panic. I have no idea how to live like this...

Today's Challenge

So, besides the daily struggles to keep up with life (and never finding that combination of time and energy to blog here), I am wondering today how much of my current struggles are real and how much of them are alive only in my mind? How much of what I'm seeing in my family is due to the reasons I think and how much could just be me putting a negative spin on something neutral?

I've spent so much of my life doing "damage control" - or rather "pre-damage control" - trying to anticipate the hurts before they come so I can prepare for them. But in the process, I'm always assuming the worst. That leaves me angry or sad or upset with those around me even if nothing is going on. And my actions and attitude will influence how they respond to me. It can be a vicious circle that starts in my fear and escalates into reality.

For instance, hubby has been very distant and non-communicative for several weeks. I assumed it was because he was mad at me based on our last in-depth conversation. Turns out he's been fighting migraine headaches for 6 weeks now. The new medicine is working wonders in his attitude - and my assumptions.

Maybe all his silence is not directly related to me... Maybe the world does not revolve around me... Maybe this family has motivations and reasons for how it functions that are not directly under my control... I know that in my head, but my heart wants it to be different. If I'm at the center then I'm in control. If I'm in control then I can ensure I won't get hurt or have to see others hurt. The problem is no human gets a painless life...

I think its part of getting real, of learning to see things as they really are. Living in denial is more than just seeing everything as "nice" and "ok" with no problems; sometimes its seeing everything as crisis or bad or ugly when its not. Most of the time its some combination. Today's challenge is figuring out where that balance is.

Mixed Emotions

I'm tired, content, sad and peaceful all at the same time. It was a wonderful day in the sun with Melody and three of her friends. Grace decided to take the parenting class that CPS is forcing on her, despite starting school yesterday. The summer quarter condenses a full 12 week quarter into 7 weeks. It's going to be a rough few weeks for her. I still struggle with how best to support her and where to draw the line between help and rescue...

There is much going on in the heavenlies I believe. Things are changing in my family. On the surface it seems so sad, so hurtful. But things that have been hidden or ignored for so long are being unveiled. Our hearts are being revealed, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I can't walk the same way any more, in that panicked pleaser mode. That means Grace walks 6+ miles home from work when its not convenient for me to pick her up. That means my husband is angry at me most of the time these days. It's a tough rode for both Grace and I right now, but as with any move into health, I believe the discipline will yield good results in time.

It's the day to day walk that's hard, yet more peaceful than I could have imagined. I'm making choices that I know are right. I know God's presence even in the hard moments. I am learning a great deal about myself and the character of a strong and loving Savior.

I keep praying for breakthrough, but maybe it's this drudgery and daily struggle that will produce the next season - like planting a garden. It takes time for the seeds to germinate and grow. There's weeding to be done along the way. For now, I will take pleasure in knowing the seeds are growing. I'll just relax and enjoy the sunshine until the flowers bloom. 

Rumblings

My heart is heavy with vague rumblings tonight. I took a different route home that led me past my old haunts from just before I got married. It reminded me of those days, the innocence and hope I had for my future. How differently my life has turned out from those early dreams.

That's not to say my life has been a failure. And I believe in the power of redemption. As I struggle to find health and wholeness at age 54, that healing will redeem many of the rumblings I sense in my heart.

But I was struck tonight looking at those familiar roads that I haven't seen for 30 years - struck by the memory of the emotions of a naive young girl grasping for love from the first man who had ever noticed her. He is a good man and we are meant to be together. But I was driven by such anxiety and unseen fears back then - still am in so many ways.

And the dream of many children to fill my home and give me the love I needed ended up being forced onto the one child who was unintentionally created before our marriage vows. Hubby told me I was lucky to get one, if it hadn't happened by accident he would never have had children.

So I harbored and protected and separated them - this child and her father. I'm not sure it's really what he wanted, but it was a good excuse to ingrain myself as her provider and nurturer. That insured that she would love me more, and need me as much as I needed her.

She became my sole focus in life. She was my friend, my source of comfort and confidence. I home schooled her, I took her everywhere, I gave her anything she wanted. When I remained empty, I abandoned her in pursuit of other do-good activities.

What pressure for a child... and what betrayal. Part of this growing up process I'm in is to acknowledge the wrongs. And stay balanced by not beating myself up over them. I wish I could undo them - go back to those long forgotten roads and choose a different route. Impossible, but there is value in recognizing the wrong turns and learning from them. Such are the lessons from the rumblings in my heart tonight.

I'm Not The Only One

I read about me this week. It wasn't pleasant. My counselor had me read a book called "The Enabler: when helping hurts the ones you love." My life filled those pages.... Thankfully I've made some of the discoveries the author describes already, but I've got a long way to go.

I've always believed that if it was within my ability to help, I was obligated to do so. If Grace wanted something, or even if she didn't but I thought she might need it, I had it ready for her. If hubby wanted an errand run, even if it was inconvenient and he had more time to run it himself, I'd make sure it got done. Anything to earn those brownie points and keep the peace.

I especially identified with the peacekeeper role the author described. I've gone to such lengths to keep conflict out of my house. I can't stand any fighting. I go into panic mode anytime there is the slightest disagreement, pushing all parties into their separate corners and placating each of them so they won't fight. That pretty much describes Grace's childhood, especially the teen years trying to keep her and her dad at peace. Always the savior, earning the love...

The problem is now I have to fight to be honest with both of them. They have thankfully both matured enough to where their disagreements are no longer physical and their anger is not directed at each other - at least not on the surface. But I've spent so much time making excuses for both of them, I have a hard time sorting out how I feel about any given situation.

It's so hard for me to think when they are not happy. All I want to do is make them happy - whatever it costs. I have no idea how to let them live with their own consequences, let them feel what they need to feel and not rush to manipulate their circumstances or distract them.

The author calls it being honest. Letting my family know what I think (knowing what I think is a challenge in itself) is a necessary step on honesty. It's all tied up with needing to be the savior, but the more immediate threat is that being honest means they might not like me - or even worse - they might get mad at me! My palms get itchy from nerves at the mere thought...

I know I'm getting better, but I have such a long, long way to go. I've had to confront hubby twice now on big issues the last few months. It's an on-going battle with Grace. At least she's recognizing that I have the right to take a stand and say no even if she disagrees....

No easy answers, no quick fixes. I want it all done now, all nice and pretty and peaceful right now. Somehow change does not come that easily. At least I was reminded this week that I am not the only one....

Empty House

I am alone for two nights. Melody gets two overnights in a row with Grace. It's so quiet here... other than the dog pacing. Hubby's upstairs sleeping and I'm fighting the urge to clean house just to fill the void.

I have no idea how to do this - how to live a strong, independent life at peace with myself. I am driven to fill the emptiness with something... work to prove myself... or food... or TV... The goal is for Grace to get Melody back soon. I may very well be cut out completely at that point. I want them to be together. But I'm so afraid of being alone.

Funny, that's a concern I have with Grace right now. She demands to have Melody around her whenever she can. She "gets lonely". Grace is angry when I allow Melody to go overnight with friends because that means she has to be alone. I sure understand, especially tonight....

But I have to keep in mind what's best for Melody, and I have to force Grace to do the same. It's not easy - in fact its really hard - but it can and must be done. So I'll sit in quiet for a few moments and savor the clean, silent house knowing that my girls are giggling in the cottage just down the road.  At least the dog stopped pacing.

Assignment

I have an assignment due tomorrow at the counselor's office. I have to write about an event, then identify my feelings about said event. I was even handed a list of a couple hundred feeling words. I think I'm supposed to focus on something from my childhood, but I'm having trouble remembering that far back. At 54, childhood was a loooooog time ago. I can remember general trends and feelings, but to tie them to a specific event is challenging.

I guess I'll start with a memory that I believe God recently brought up. It was a summer night when I was about 7 or 8. I was sleeping on the front patio. It was late and my parents were inside the living room, drunk and fighting. It was particularly intense this night, and dishes started to fly along with the screams and cursing. I remember laying on the bed, wishing it would stop.

I felt so afraid. I was afraid they would hurt each other. I was afraid Dad would leave and never come back. I was worried what the younger kids were experiencing upstairs. I couldn't be there to protect them, or at least be with them to help ease their fears. I felt helpless wanting to get between my parents and stop the fighting somehow.

When this memory came up recently, I asked Jesus to show me where He was while this was going on. The picture that came to mind was Him sitting on the bed with my head on his knee while He stroked my hair back from my forehead to comfort me. It felt like He asked me what I wanted, and all I could do was cry that I wanted my daddy.

I wanted Dad to comfort me and tell me it was going to be ok. I wanted him to assure me that he was not going anywhere. I didn't want the attacks from Mom to drive him away. It was one thing for her to attack me, but it was even more frightening that she might jeopardize my main source of comfort and love (my papa).

I don't remember being angry at mom during this event. I must have been, but it was (and still is) very unsafe to be angry at this short and powerful woman who knows how to throw an emotional punch. It's such a strange feeling to love someone, yet fear them and their anger.... hummmm, feels a lot like my relationship with both my husband and my daughter.

It brings to mind last week when I experienced such intense anger at my hubby. He wasn't there, which probably made it easier to feel the emotion. I had to watch the impact on Melody from a decision he imposed on her (over my objections). When I got back to the car alone I was crying and trembling, overwhelmed by this hatred of what he had done.

Unlike with my mother, I was able to sort out the emotion a little better and then examine the situation from a fresh perspective. And I decided that despite my fear of my husband and fear of doing the wrong thing in God's eyes, I took a stand for what I believe is best for Melody. Hubby was not happy, but I didn't cave in. I am sure about this one and despite my fears, I need to do what I believe is right.

Things are different with Mom. I've been an adult and making my own decisions without her approval for decades. But the pattern I built with her is still there in other significant relationships. And it is still a rare occasion when I am bold enough to give her an honest opinion.

I have some growing to do in all my relationships, but I'm on the way. I am becoming more secure in the love of a Savior who would sit on the edge of the bed and comfort me while I weep for my daddy. That security gives me strength to stand against my fears and speak the truth in love.

Guess I've got the assignment done for the counselor tomorrow....

Psalm 136

I read Psalm 136 this morning; its recounting of the many great deeds of a mighty God, each verse ending with for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever. What a wonderful litany of the strong hand of a loving Father, a reminder of His care and faithfulness. I want to document His great deeds and faithfulness in my life too...

Remember, oh my soul, how great has been His faithfulness to you, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;

He is the God of the universe, creator of heaven and earth yet has come down to dwell among us, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;

He has chosen to abide with me forever and will never leave me or forsake me, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;

He has given me new life through the finished work of the cross, He has regenerated my spirit and communes with me every moment of every day, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;

He has wrought mighty miracles in my heart, strengthening me to stand when I felt I was going to die and He is teaching me to know and choose truth no matter what the cost, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;

He is working miracles in my family, some visible and others still hidden, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;

I give thanks for my salvation, for this walk into maturity, for miracles great and small both in me and in my family - and mostly for His mercy and loving-kindness that endure forever!

Life And Death

This month has given me cause to reassess my priorities. I've had two friends, both younger than I am, die unexpectedly. Dave just collapsed, Michell had a few days to say goodbye. Both feel like tragic thefts of lives with so much still to live.

We laid Michell to rest today, Dave a few weeks ago. Despite the sorrow, I am grateful for the time spent with these two treasures. They planted seeds of wisdom and love that have grown over the years in my heart. The focus today is Michell, my sweet sister with a heart of steel. She loved her husband and children fiercely. She devoted her life to her family. I understand her commitment and pray she found balance that I have yet to achieve... but that's the subject of a different blog post.

Today, I realize that I need to cherish each moment I have. I want to choose life with my remaining days. The scripture below from Deuteronomy 30 comes to mind:

¹⁵ “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, ¹⁶ in that I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the LORD your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. ¹⁷ But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, ¹⁸ I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. ¹⁹ I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; ²⁰ that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”

I no longer want to serve the god of "busyness" or ego or even family. There is nothing that can compare to walking in deep relationship with God moment to moment to moment. It's from that well-spring that life flows, that family and friends are blessed, that my self esteem is at rest, that my time is set in healthy priorities and I don't need to avoid my emotions with good deeds. 

Michell chose well. She loved and blessed so many around her. Like Dorcas of Acts, we spent today weeping and showing each other the gifts she gave us while she was with us. But I still wish I could hear her voice again, listen to her sing, share worship with her... Some day we'll stand with the angels and sing praises to the God of the universe who chose to take her home before I was ready. In her honor and by her example, I will choose life today - that it may go well for me and my descendants in the land He is giving me...

Day of Peace

A pleasant day today, productive and restful. But I think I'm only enjoying the day because it was productive. I want to get past all this negative emotion and be able to focus more on the good things in my life. I know there is so much more that is wonderful in my life than not, but most days I only see the bad.

I think in some ways that's a defense mechanism. If I only see the bad, I can prepare emotionally and not be disappointed. But its not reality. I promised myself after Grace admitted her addiction that I would not hide anymore; that I would look for and acknowledge the truth from now on. That means more than listening to the nagging doubts when they surface. It means recognizing the blessings in my life too.

Today's Blessings:

• The sun shone just a little bit,  it was not a steady rain like yesterday
• Melody smiled at me
• Hubby sold his motorcycle after realizing he had way to much of his ego and identity wrapped up in that machine. I'm proud of him.
• Grace got her car running again - and thanked her dad for helping her.
• I am employed
• The spring time colors on the rodys are specular around every corner
• We have wonderful neighbors who love us daily
• Grace is making progress and gets to have Melody overnight tomorrow
• I have wonderful friends and a wonderful church family
• I know the God of the universe loves me like crazy
• I have hope for my future

Ahhhh, life is good....

The Power of Shame

I wonder if God leads me down these crazy paths just to teach me things... And to help rid me of the burden I sometimes carry for things that are not mine to carry.

I had that experience last fall when I interviewed for a job that seemed to have everything I'd ever dreamed of. But I blew it at the interview, as usual. But this time I was able to let go of the stress enough to learn some very important lessons (like don't focus on the people interviewing me, on what I think those non-verbal messages are - just have a few succinct selling points to say rather than worrying about what they are thinking). I went back to hiring person afterwards, put my foot in my mouth and hung up knowing I was beating a dead horse.

But I was so sure God was leading me to apply this time. The application and cover letter came together perfectly and powerfully. Why did He let me down? My guess is it was so I could learn these lessons at the interview. And just after I let it go, there was a major announcement in the news that would have made the job impossible - a betrayal of voter trust for this public agency that I would have had to bear the brunt of if I'd gotten the job.

So I'm trying to remember this lesson as I grapple with today's challenge. See, I thought I'd felt a small lump on my breast. I'd found it a couple of times last week. Being the responsible girl I am, I went to the doctor Monday. Only I couldn't find the darn thing with an audience, nor could the doc. We did a mammogram and ultrasound today, still nothing. And once again, I couldn't find any lump to save my soul.

I was so overwhelmed with shame by the time the head radiologist came in to confirm the ultrasound readings, all I wanted to do was curl up in a closet and cry. It was such a strong emotion, overwhelming...

It's a strange sensation to be more in touch with my emotions. I feel them now, when they first hit - rather than running around finding excuses or trying to hide from them. It's not pleasant sometimes. I guess its supposed to be better, right?

Actually, I know it's better to feel them... but its not fun. It's like so many things I have to do these days. I know something is out there that I have to do, and it's always messy and clumsy at first. I feel like a bull in a china shop. Eventually I learn how to walk with more grace and finesse, but it's like learning to walk all over again each time.

So today, I felt the shame and didn't run. I tried to comfort myself with food - not so good. I need my brain fully functioning to learn this new walk... so I can pray and know God's presence in the midst of the emotion. I can hear His truth better if I'm awake, not drugged by sugar and carbs. And eating junk only adds to my shame... huh, funny cycle. Shame begets more shame begets more shame.

Excuse me, I think I need to go pray now. A loving God who wants to carry all my shame needs to tell me some truth about who I am and how He sees me. And that's more important than what the folks at the breast center or my doctor think of me, even though they were all very nice and supportive...

What If She Doesn't Make It

I cried some more tonight. I guess that's a good thing, better than holding it inside. It's like a pin will prick the bubble and the tears fall. That's good for me, better than ignoring it and trying to cover it up with super-human busyness. It will also be good for me to let go soon and allow Grace the freedom to walk her own path, even if its not the path I want for her.

Tonight, a friend posted a lullaby by the Dixie Chicks. As I listened, I was holding Grace again, rocking her to sleep and dreaming of her future. God's speed, little one... my love will fly to you each night on angels wings... sweet dreams... All I could think as I looked again into the face of my baby girl was 'what if she doesn't make it?'.

How does a mother deal with an adult child who chooses such destruction? How do I let go and let my baby die? How is that possible? How can I let go of that connection to her as a child in my arms enough to see the reality of her as a grown woman? She gets to choose, not me. She gets to decide how she will live her life, not me. She might not make it and I have to allow that because I don't get to choose. She does.

So the adult in me recognizes that one fall is not the end of the world. I know I am grieving tonight. I need to do this. But it's not black and white - all clean or all dirty. If she really has stayed clean since January, hurray! She's got a lot to overcome, maybe perfection is too much to hope for.

That's part of the grieving. Hope has died in me. And trust. I don't trust her. I was just starting to believe in her again. How sad, how empty to be back where we were a year ago. I still love her and want good for her. I still believe she is capable of doing this. But something that was just starting to grow was ripped out today.

I've now required that she get me a copy of all her UA's from the methadone program before we offer any more help. It's a first step to rebuild a little trust. God, I hope they are all clean except the one in January that she admitted to. I hope she's being honest with me. I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope she makes it....

Tears

I cried in front of Grace today. She mentioned in passing that she got a dirty UA in January for cocaine.... damn it, damn it, damn it. It was 5 months ago, no big deal to her. But I cried. At least she didn't get mad at me, I just changed the subject so I could stop crying.

It's her life, right? Why should I be so wrapped up in her performance? She was clean 2 months before that, clean 5 months after. She's doing well. But damn it anyway! I am so disappointed. I suppose it was bound to happen. But how can I trust her?

She said again today how she cannot do this, meet everyone's demands and stay the course. She was angry in January, probably after our big fight. I was sure she was going to use again, and sure enough she did. Just not heroin - thank God for small mercies (I guess).

So what do I do with the overwhelming sorrow? Just take a chill pill and pretend its not my problem? Except that it is. If she continues to run to drugs every time she gets mad or hopeless (like she is now), Melody has no hope of every returning to her mom. That has a pretty big impact on my future - much less the emotional impact on the whole family.

So, I recognize it is a big deal even if Grace wants to minimize it. Not sure what to do next... probably nothing for right now. I need to process this and let myself work through the emotions before deciding what to do, if anything. Damn it anyway....

Baby Steps

Right or wrong, I'm exerting a lot of control over Grace right now. I'm subsidizing her where I can since the public health system that sucked her into its very firm grip has now cut her loose to bleed on the street. But man do I have strings attached!

I want her to know there is hope, that she can weather this storm and build up her muscle - and come out on the other side stronger. She's never really had to push her way through a major challenge before. She's always turned to drugs to cope before.

The only way I will help is if I see that she's doing all she can to help herself. That usually means each little installment from me includes a list of things that has to be done first. I hope she feels some relief in having the structure, although most of the time she's getting the required things done before I ask her, and doing additional things I don't think of.

She's had to write a letter to Mr. Methadone, the guy in charge of our local public health program. He was all over the place wanting to help when I raised a stink last summer and had our local senator's office and a newspaper columnist asking about help for Grace. Funny, now that there's no public spotlight, he's not responding...

She's had to call her employer's medical insurance carrier to see if they'll cover her methadone. They won't cover ANY substance abuse assistance, but if she can get some doctor to prescribe the drug they'll cover it. I wonder if that will work - only $150 a month for medical insurance instead of $450 just for the methadone program.

She aced her test today in art, called the counselor that CPS wants her to meet with and said no to a friend who wanted a ride without offering to pay for gas - all on her own today. She's worked every extra minute she can, even at her minimum wage, dead end job.

Grace gets paid on Thursday. It will be interesting to see how well she controls having that cash. She has to save most of it for rent. If I see her wasting any of it, she's on her own. I hope we both can hold to that.

I feel like she's fighting for her life right now - and for Melody's. She's so sure that everyone is against her, that she has to fight so much harder than those around her to meet the same basic needs. She doesn't think its fair - and in some ways its not.

The asshole 'friend' who introduced her to heroin has parents who pay his rent and cover his daily methadone, so he can go out and do other drugs. The new 'friend' from the clinic that bums a ride every day gets social security disability for emotional problems much less severe than what Grace goes through daily. They milk the system, then turn around and try to milk Grace for money or rides or cigarettes. Such is the self-centered life of an addict...

So, I'll help with the baby steps where I can. Most of the effort is hers. I pray I can discern when I need to stand back and let her fall. I'm not too stressed out about that  possibility, mostly sad at the thought. I think I can withhold help if I see her slack up. But right now she is fighting with all she has, even in the depression and anger and hurt. Baby steps for both of us...

PS: I hope I'm not too offensive for swearing at the kid who introduced heroin to Grace. I know it was only a matter of time before she ended up there on her own. But I hate him all the same... guess I'll have to deal with that hatred eventually. Baby steps, baby steps...

Crappy

It’s been a crappy day – no real reason I can point to, just struggling with my crappy emotions. I know where they came from and have a bit of an idea what to do with them, but that doesn’t change the moment to moment challenge of living through them.

I’ve decided to take better care of myself. That means I’m eating better, seeing a counselor and starting to prepare for being laid off in 6 months or so from my job. It’s that last piece that got the ball rolling downhill this morning. I went to a networking event and cornered a couple of people about getting together to ‘ask for their advice’.

God, I hate it! It feels like begging. Everyone else can find jobs all on their own without snooping around, asking for help or hinting for a job. I have good skills – a wild mix to be sure – but I have a lot to offer. I should be at the height of my career, especially considering my education and the student loans I am still paying off. Instead I depress myself looking for job openings on-line all afternoon.

I realize I have way too much of my self worth tied up in my job. I would guess that’s typical for a performance-aholic like me. Not only do I need to do well at work, I crave kudos and compliments like the sugar I cannot eat.

That’s another depressing thing today. I wanted to drown my sorrow in chips and cake today. Instead I ate an apple and pretzels. When I’m sad, I want that sweet-salty taste to distract me, but mostly I want that sensation of being very full – of my stomach filled to the brim and content, ready to bring on sleep and relax me.

So, I struggled through the day, snapped at Grace, turned down a date with hubby and sit at the computer. I did indulge in that last piece of cake, but only one piece. And I recognize I need to just hold on until the mood passes. I know I am not defined by my performance. How well I do my job or keep my house or please my husband or daughter or granddaughter does not determine my worth. It just feels like it sometimes.

Quiet

I've been waiting for some major development or grand revelation before blogging again. But perhaps there is value in just developing the discipline to sit down and write every few days even if nothing big is happening. I tend to run fast and furious in order to avoid my feelings. I am often busy out of habit - and part of that habit is avoiding my feelings until they get strong enough to be noticed. Maybe forcing myself to sit, write and concentrate every few days will break that habit.

So, where should I probe? Overall I'm feeling pretty good. I had to confront hubby on a big issue about a month ago. He handled it very well and it gives me hope for the future. I am feeling more in touch with my heart and spirit, more in control of my life. I've been able to see each step I need to take in these important relationships. They are baby steps often, and I only get to see one step at a time. But it's a miracle to see the step - and have the strength to take it.

I started seeing a counselor recently. We went through my family tree today. It was interesting to look at the big picture... parents who never divorced but who hurt each other often. I'm the oldest of 5 siblings, 2 sibs with 2 divorces each, 1 sib with serious mental health issues (in my opinion), myself and my little brother that I was closest to have managed to hold onto our marriages, but I don't see either of us with strong, healthy relationships. And I've already mentioned that almost all our kids have dealt with serious drug addictions.

Yet I loved my childhood. It felt normal to me. We played and had fun and did sports. I developed some pretty spectacular skills that serve me well today, especially if I can keep them in balance. I'm organized and can plan ahead real well - its a great way to protect myself. I anticipate what's needed and get everything done ahead of time so there's no conflict or upsetness. I'm sensitive to people's moods and work really hard to meet their needs.

See how that can be good at work? And even at home? The problem is that I do all that without any regard for what is best for the people involved. My sole goal is to avoid conflict no matter what the cost to me personally or what it does to others around me. That's part of the reason I have a daughter who turns 31 this month that has no clue how to manage her life. She's never had to, I've always done it for her...

Guess that's enough probing for tonight....

Punished For Doing Good

God, I hate our social service system. I've always known the best way to deliver help to the needy is through the local church where real people touch the hurting in real ways. There is flexibility and reason and accountability that is not possible in the current bureaucracy.

I know my goal with this blog is to focus on my own healing journey, but my journey intersects with Grace's struggles so often. I don't get as angry on her behalf, or worry as much about her response to these injustices, or fret as much trying to find ways to correct it so she'll stay calm. I still do all those things, just not as much... But she's facing almost insurmountable odds and the system that's supposed to help her keeps cutting her down.

The current kick in the gut was the letter that arrived yesterday from Child Support Enforcement or some other convolutedly named agency. Grace dared to get a job, so now she has to pay the state $166 a month for child support and pay to put Melody on her medical insurance. That's in addition to the $450 she has to pay for the methadone program because she's now working. And after her food stamps get cut off because she's going to school. Meanwhile, Melody's dead beat dad who has never bothered to even inquire as to Melody's existence (and who makes more money than Grace) only pays the state $50 per month.

She can either quit her job/school to survive and loose any hope of getting custody of Melody, or run at a deficit and hope she gets custody before the bill collectors catch up to her. Or give up on it all and go back to the streets. Some choice.

Grace is understandably angry. What she does with that anger will determine her future. I can see the principles that drive the system to make her pay. But it is so illogical, so hurtful right now. She's doing everything she's been asked to do - got her own place, got a job, going to school, building a solid future for her and Melody. But she needs support at this early stage, not what feels like punishment.

I want rage against the machine with her. I want to tell her what to do, or do it for her. I want to write letters, call senators and newspaper columnists again. I want to rattle some cages and tell her tale to anyone who will listen.

But this is not my battle. There is much I can do to support her and love her and befriend her. But this is her battle to fight, to figure out and resolve. The best thing I can do for her is sit on the sidelines cheering her on, confident in her ability to fight her way out. I don't help her by fighting for her, or by sitting on the sidelines biting my fingernails in fear.

I have no idea how to do this. One day at a time I guess... Watch the system punish the remarkable progress she's made and stay silent unless she asks for help. So I'll sit here.... one day at a time...

It Pisses Me Off

Can I say that as a Christian woman? I guess I could be more polite about it, but not tonight. I was going to write an open letter to Grace about how much I hate some of her beliefs, but I've calmed down a bit. Now I'm just pissed...

She is hurting in a very real way. Her panic and fear is understandable. Her methadone coverage is cut off next week. She had come up with $450 cash each month out of thin air. She can't see how to make it work and I can't either unless she gives up something. It's just plain wrong that she can't get the program covered because she dares to bring in more than $196 a month in wages. And her food stamps get cut off in June if she continues in school. The system punishes her for doing what she should be doing.

But what really got me today was when she walked out angry again/still that we "took" Melody away from her. She believes that we lied in order to manipulate the system and get control of our granddaughter. She is dead wrong. 

She is angry at CPS for not giving her custody back by now. She's been clean almost 6 months, she thinks she's proven herself. But 15 years of history can't be overturned with a few months of towing the line - even if its been a spectacular 6 months. She's earned unlimited access to her daughter and will soon have overnights. It's a painfully slow process. She was told upfront it would be at least a year.

Right now Melody represents medical coverage, welfare payments, food stamps. I know Grace's love runs much deeper than the dollar signs attached to custody, but its hard to see that sometimes when she's railing against the system or us.

I want to shout at her sometimes... Her life is in the toilet because SHE put it there. She has a really deep hole to climb out of, but I don't owe her ANYTHING! I want to support her, but I will not accept responsibility for where her life is right now.

Of course I can't say any of that to her. I'm terrified of her anger, and that of her father. They both respond with 10 times any anger I might throw at them. They know me well enough how to hit hard and deep. And I'm afraid she'll use again. Ok, I  know that excuse doesn't hold water - I'm not responsible for her choices even if I'm the source of her anger.

So I hold the anger inside. I'm trying to work it through with God. I'm getting better at recognizing when the accusations thrown at me are false, and I don't take them to heart as much. And I'm learning to state my views carefully and calmly - even if that means the fur is going to fly. That's real progress for me.

I don't want to respond in anger when I feel it anyway. It just would be nice to know that I was strong enough to, that I was making a conscience choice to respond calmly rather than knowing that my lack of response was based in fear. That fear keeps me from saying things I need to say sometimes. Like letting Grace know her life is in the toilet right now because of her choices, not mine...

Emanuel

There are cycles in life; in the day to day and in the bigger seasons. I'm enjoying a few good days. I catch myself worrying about the next down cycle or analysing the current mood to death... my way of protecting my heart. Problem is my self-protection is that doesn't work. I used to think God would protect me from everything bad or hurtful, but that belief is changing.

I am coming to realize there is no protection from this broken world. Things hurt. People make wrong choices. Life sucks sometimes. There is hope that someday all our tears will be wiped away in heaven, but till then we just hold on.

What is changing in me is the very real knowledge that Jesus is with me no matter what happens. He weeps with me. He holds me when I grieve. He knows the pain of a mother whose daughter struggles, the fear of a wife who can't live up to her own expectations. He's experienced it all, knows intimately the challenge of anything I will face. There is so much life in walking with Emanuel - God with us. I so appreciate not only the lessons taught in this truth, but the chance to practice this new walk within a loving community.

I had to confront someone last week. It was hard and I was so frightened. The response was challenging, but the process brought hope. I am so much more at peace knowing I did the right thing, no matter what the consequences. I know there will more confrontations. But the whisper from Emanuel yesterday gave me even more hope ~ that I can trust my heart even when others around me do not.

So me and my heart will enjoy this time of peace with a loving God who promises to never leave me or forsake me. The battles with fear will come again, the tears and the grieving. But for now I rest...

Family

My nephew is moving out/getting kicked out. Those of you with teenagers in pain know what I mean - when the battle escalates and the movement just happens. It doesn't much matter who decided what, it just is...

So yet another child in my family turns to drugs for salvation. But they are choosing death, not life. My God, it seems like almost everyone of this generation has walked this path. Grace and three of her cousins to date. Only one has avoided it. His answer was to join the Marines and head to battle next month. Meanwhile the rest of us rail against the evil, but it's like we flail our arms and punch the air. We divorce, and have affairs and seem to hate our lives and those around us - and expect that our kids will somehow become angels.

I see the beginnings in Melody. Her sullen moods, her disdain for me, how she so quickly runs from anything painful or frightening. I want so much to protect her, to fix her or feed her a bunch of information so she'll choose right, or control everything for her...

Yet I know the best thing I can do by far is to model health for her. I don't have any idea what that looks like most days. I am getting better at recognizing what it is not. I guess that's progress - to know what choices not to make.  Just to stand still and wait until the right choice becomes clear. One baby step at a time with lots of waiting in between. Excruciating for someone like me who avoids pain with busyness, who builds their worth around how well they perform. Somehow that seems to fit, doesn't it? Walking a completely new path...

May this new path bring healing to my family as well. It's all I can do. I know the old path leads to only more destruction. I watch and wait and pray - for me and Grace and Melody and hubby and my brother and his wife and my nephew and his sisters and on and on and on...

Pain

I have no right to complain, especially when I see the trauma and pain in the lives of those around me. The family at church whose 31 year old daughter left the clean and sober house after 2 years yesterday, the family whose van was torched for no reason in their driveway, the mother whose daughter was just molested, the friend whose brother is missing while she deals with her husband's serious illness - those are the ones who have a cause for complaint. But not me...

Yet I am feeling so much pain - most of it I can't share here. We all have seasons where all we can do is stand. This is one of those seasons for me. My daughter is doing well, for that I am grateful. Now I need to learn to stand on my own, without all my props.

I don't have anyone to rescue, I don't have anyone I have to please. I know I could turn again to those patterns and fill my life with that fake sense of meaning, but I refuse. I could begin again to scurry around, doing anything and everything to be sure everyone in my life is happy with me. But then what? It NEVER gets me anywhere - no matter how hard I try someone is critical of something, or I worry they will be, or the rescuing just begets more rescuing. It's a crazy cycle that is killing me.

It is so hard to break out of this, to even understand what's driving me - much less to make new choices. Right now all I know is I can't do it anymore. All I can do is stand. That takes all my strength. Just to stand and not crumple into a heap. I don't know the next step. I trust it will become clear when it's time to move. For now I stand... upright... face heavenward... waiting for the sun... standing in grace and hope... no complaints, just holding on...

I Would Hate To Live With Me

I know I'm repeating themes these days, but maybe I just need to recognize these things over and over again in order to relearn my behaviors and thought processes...

Today's repeat is how much I nag Grace and Melody. Talk about repeats! I must have repeated the same nag 5 times on the way home from school. I nag Melody most, then Grace and least of all my hubby. I guess it's in the order of trouble I get into with the person, how strong the response is when they fight back.

Melody and Grace have started giving me a hard time about my driving skill, or as they see it, the lack of skill. It bothers me, but I only joke back at them. Hey, at least I still have a car to drive...

But when I think about it, my displeasure and criticism of them is even more blatant when I nag. It says they can't do it right without me making sure it happens. It tells them they are not smart enough, don't have the skill to do the simple tasks in their lives without me. It is so much better to set reasonable consequences and then let them make their own choice.

Grace is well beyond any of my control. The sooner I recognize and walk in that the better for both of us. There have been countless times even this last month when she put something off or did something a different way than I would have. But she somehow pulled it off.

It drove me nuts watching it and trying not to prod her. I was grumpy, edgy, obsessed with worry about her getting this and that done on time. I was able to figure out where my anxiety was coming from eventually, which helped a little. It's such a long process to get over this...

I hope I can recognize this pattern more often with Melody. I want both of us to be free from this all-consuming worry about all the small stuff. Jesus - Savior - save me from myself, this fear of imperfection. Let me, and my family, learn from our mistakes and grow into the adults You have designed.... Amen...

Sorrow

Phil killed himself 16 years ago in May. Dad died 15 years ago in April. Even with the promise of spring, the soft gentle rains and color returning to the earth, the season holds dark memories for me. Death is so permanent. It leaves such emptiness. There is a darkness and hollow sorrow that contrasts the returning life around me.

I spoke today at the dedication of a memorial for Phil. I only spoke of the good things, and the vast majority of his life was so good. It was just that last final moment that was not. In his last  act, he selfishly ended his pain but brought such multitude of sorrows for his children, family and friends.

I'll never know what it was like in his mind, how intense his pain was. But it still seems like he took the easy way out, especially seeing the havoc his choice made in the lives around him. I know its not my place to judge, but if he had known how much he destroyed with his death, I don't think he would have put that gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

I hope Grace knows such clarity of thought as she faces her future. The hard part for her starts now. She's achieved all the big goals now. A's and B's this quarter in school, got her own place, got a job. All that's left is for CPS to catch up and send Melody back to her.

It's the day to day drudgery that she has to figure out how to handle now. It's the fight with the boss, the co-worker who slights her, it's Melody hitting the teen years and fighting to leave her mom. It will be the challenge of weaning herself off methadone and having to deal with the depression or other emotions that she's never really faced before.

I can only hope that she remembers the lessons from Phil - from his life and from his death. She said today how selfish he was to take his own life. May she remember that as she faces her own pain...

What To Do - What Not To Do

So the day to day struggle right now is to know - moment by moment and request by request - what is healthy to do for Grace and what is not. Should I make that phone call for her so she can save her expensive minutes? She's not using them on calls to friends, she's being very careful. Should I run the check down to her for the diversion program or let her face felony charges because she didn't pull the correct amount from her cash envelope we keep in my purse? Should I stay up late (and keep Melody up late) and take her to the store tonight?

So, today I said "no" twice and "yes" once. It seemed the rescue on the felony issue was ok, although I joked it was the ultimate "rescue" to meet her at the courthouse with the check in hand.

I honestly don't think she even sees it, nor do I see it most of the time. As hubby says, she is doing so well right now that we want to support her. But when does support turn into that crippling, do-all, consuming drive where her life becomes the center of our life? We are drifting so easily back into that pattern.

I want to stay sensitive to that slight nudge I can feel now when we cross the line. It's like I'm a toddler just learning to walk. I need to keep practicing so I can get better. Or even better, Grace is the toddler just learning to walk on her own. I need to let her get out there and fall a few times.

The giant tumble of living in the drug houses last summer was not enough. The real challenge comes now, in learning to build a life one step at a time. It's the drudgery of taking the right steps day in and day out that builds character. It's choosing the unglamorous job, trudging to the bus stop or walking three miles in the rain when there is no bus - these are the choices that grow us up.

So, today I made progress. Tomorrow I hope for the same, both for Grace and for myself.

Soft ~ Strong

There was a softness in the air today. Perhaps it was the puffy clouds or the barest hint of spring in the weak sunshine. Or the occasional glimpse of the first cherry blossoms on the trees. Those delicate petals hold so much promise of warmer days ahead and the brightness of sunlit moments of lazy rest.

They look like they would fall with the slightest breeze. As much as I admire their delicate beauty, I find myself marveling at the strength of these soft pink balls. Somehow they withstand the late winter storms, buffeted by gales of wind, hail and heavy rain. They stand strong, clinging to their precarious perch, drawing strength from their roots despite the storm.

I am inspired to hold on despite the challenges in my life, draw strength from the deep roots of my faith and know that summer days are ahead...

I Know Her Pain

She's a mother and she cannot protect him. I know her pain intimately. That uncontrollable need to build a safe nest for your child. To do anything to make it ok, even if it means finding any available excuse for the addiction.

One of my siblings called yesterday to talk about their child's drug addiction. It's tearing their family apart. God, how I recognized the pain - what if the drug test is wrong and this isn't really a third failure that will mean expulsion from school? What more can they say, what more can they do? What course to set for this young adult already caught in the grip of this hell?

It's impossible to detach in the midst of the crisis and think clearly enough to make a rational decision. Knowing that one must let go and let your child walk into the darkness is impossible. I say that as one who waited too long to cut her loose. They say the addict has to reach bottom before they will change - the same is true for their mother.

Last summer, I remember looking at Grace just after CPS had taken Melody and she was living at a local drug house. Her arms were covered with track lines, every available vein had been punctured to feed the poison to her body. She was begging for help, so lost and alone. It ripped my heart in shreds to leave her standing there. But I had no more to give her...

As I drove away and glanced at her one last time, my heart saw more than the devastation that my eyes saw. My heart saw my baby girl as I held her for the first time, it felt the joy of seeing her first step, it knew again the connection of hearing the first time she said "mama". How in God's sweet name do you walk away from your child when they are in so much pain?

I know in retrospect it was the right thing. But it still hurts to remember that moment. Beneath the horror and anguish of that decision to turn away, I knew it was the only way to save her life. We had tried everything else, literally. We had spent 15 years running frantically looking for a solution. God how I hate this disease!!!!

So, I know the pain in my sibling's family. I understand the desperate search for answers. I know full well the strength of denial and how devastating the struggle is for everyone in the family. I pray they find power in their love to turn their backs and walk away from their child. It seems the opposite of love, but it is the only chance they have to save his life. Choose to remember holding the sweet baby, look into his eyes with that same tenderness and wish him well as he walks into the darkness...

Paradox

I had a tough day yesterday for no particular reason. Just that buzz in the background, a tension just under the surface that I couldn't put my finger on. I knew I was feeling some kind of emotional pain, but had no specific source that I could identify.

Finally, as Melody was in the bath I made myself lay down in the dark of my room and just rest and pray for a minute. The tears came almost immediately - and the source was unexpected. I realized that I am caught in this horrible paradox. If I wish for Grace to get better, that means she takes Melody away. If I wish to stay in the current role as 'most important caregiver' for Melody, that means my daughter gets worse. Either way I loose something important to me.

As I cried, I also knew deep inside that Jesus will walk with me no matter what happens. And as I let my logic take over today, I realize that God knew what He was doing when He gave Melody to Grace, not me. In His perfect design for Melody's life, hubby and I are a secondary support - not the primary caregivers.

It's that massive co-dependency that drives me to want to be on the throne of Melody's affections. It's more than just wanting to be in control, although that's a huge part of this. It's that I want her to love me, maybe not more than her mom, but to LOVE me.

It's like I depend on the love of a 9 year old to validate my existence. I need her affection, her approval in some sense. Weird but true. I can't really put it into words yet, but there is something sick there. It's related to what I call my approval addiction - my desperate drive to be sure all people like me all the time. I don't like myself, so I live through other's 'like' of me.

The desperation is getting so much better. I don't get overwhelmed with it too much anymore. And I know to go to prayer when I do. But as the layers of the onion get unpeeled, I see more ways that this weakness has woven itself into the fabric of my life.

So, I grieve the paradox today - knowing that underneath the sorrow I truly want Grace to continue to heal and grow into the mommy she was designed to be. That's where my joy lies, down that path where Grace and Melody build a separate, full, complete life that includes relationship with me, but is not dependent on me. Nor, for that matter, am I dependent on their life either - each of us whole and healthy and happy to be together without the desperate, sick ties. Ahhhh, that will be good....

Methadone

Sometimes I think I love methadone. I hated that Grace choose this program for her recovery. It's just a substitute drug. It's more addicting than heroin. The withdrawals are more intense, last longer, are more painful and more dangerous. And I was afraid she would just turn from heroin to crack or meth or some other drug. But that hasn't happened.

She is stable, in just 4 months. She wants to start to wean herself off, which is a good sign. I'm still afraid of what that will look like - but what else is new. She could turn into Super Woman and I'd still be afraid.

What's with that anyway? How distrusting of me. Not distrusting of her necessarily, but of God. It drives my need for control and the horrible, constant, intense nagging. Grace was nagging me a bit yesterday and it bugged me. No wonder she and Melody get frustrated with my over-active nag machine...

I want to be able to let them both make mistakes and learn from them. My heart broke today when Melody started to cry at halftime in her last basketball game of the season. They have lost every game and with the score 6-20 half way through it was clear they would lose again. I wanted to rush in and fix the feeling - suffocate it with my love, or drown it by making up for it with gifts, or distract her with jibberish about character-building and effort (which is true, but she didn't need to hear that just then). But I fed her some jibberish and she buried the emotion... we are training her well.

I seem to know what to do when I sit here at the computer late at night. Hindsight is 20-20. But I don't live it out very well. Ah, well.... I'll keep trying. I'll choose to see the good happening in Grace. I think it is so much more than this new drug. She is trying so hard - and succeeding. I never could have dreamed she could be here so soon. I guess I don't love methadone, but I sure LOVE what Grace is doing with it...

Back At It

It feels weird getting started again, but I still have something come to mind that I should process almost daily. It helps me to process here.... I've been tied up with a big project that turned out to be way more work than I thought. I went into panic mode a few weeks ago (deadline is Monday). I think I'm going to make it. Now I have to return to the more mundane task of living....

I find myself wondering what I will do with my time next week once I send off my project. It's been so all-consuming. Although the pressure was hard, it was kinda nice to have something to occupy my brain. No random worries (other than the project), no unexpected fears to palpitate my heart. Now I won't have that mental block against my life.

That probably doesn't make sense. But I've used work as a way to numb for so long. I keep myself distracted so I don't have to feel, so I don't have to notice all the inconsistencies and hurts in my life. And I place so much of my value in what I do. I have no concept of being valuable without doing something to earn it.

I understand intellectually how that is wrong, but I have no idea what it's like to actually live without my crutch - to make every decision, react to every situation, to feel every emotion from a base, core place of being valuable and ok regardless of what's going on in my life.

So next week I lose my latest buffer. And I'll try not to replace it. Guess I just need to dive in and wade my way through the challenge without any advance notice on what each step will look like and no guarantee what the outcome will be. Dang - I'd rather stay busy proving my worth...

Seductive Addictions

I have my own seductive addictions. I felt two of them today. They pull at my emotions - just under the surface - bidding me to come deeper into their captive patterns. They offer comfort, and security, and familiarity. I've tried to use them to rescue my soul before, and found momentary rest, but it's short-lived and unsustainable.

The first was this morning. I had small but thoughtful Valentines gifts for the family on the table when they came downstairs. I baked a special cake for everyone. Melody and I stayed up late last night decorating cupcakes for her school party. I even wrote out special cards for each person in the family, complete with individual scripture verses. Melody especially seemed to like the special attention.

As I sat down just before leaving for work, I caught myself in a contented sigh with the thought, "I could get used to this". I was relishing the enjoyment of my family, of doing good for them and making them happy. But I caught myself almost right away - recognizing that too much of a good thing is addicting for me.

How easily I get lost in wanting to see them all happy, in doing anything and everything to ensure they stay that way. I get some perverse satisfaction when I am the one orchestrating the 'happy family'. It's more than just wanting peace in the home, I get a big part of my sense of value from seeing them happy. That's where it crosses the line, when I need to do these things for me, not for them. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, but at least I'm recognizing there is a difference....

The second seduction today was the all too familiar pity that comes on Valentines Day. There is no great human romance in my life - usually no reciprocal gifts or well wishes. By afternoon I was feeling tired and put out and unloved. I sat in my office with Grace and Melody busy with other things and felt a wave of pity/sorrow start to wash over me. It felt so familiar, so comfortable. I wanted to let myself relax, cry it out, give in to the pity.

But there was an almost instant catch inside me. The truth spoke louder; I am the Beloved of God. He gave His all to buy my freedom, to have relationship with me. Even if I was all alone today, with no human contact, I am still deeply loved and treasured beyond measure. 

So I savored that truth for a few minutes, came home with the girls to discover hubby had bought beautiful flower bouquets for each of us. This is a wonderful new life, full of surprises and growth. I have my own addictions, but there is hope...

Gratitude

Tonight I just want to express my gratitude to God and man for all the blessings in my life. I shared a couple of stories with my Lovely Ladies today that I'll document here as well. There is so much healing going in my family - I am amazed and humbled....

Last week in the car Melody mentioned that she can recognize when Satan is trying to tell her a lie like she is ugly or stupid. So she answers him back in her mind and tells him to shut up, that she is special and God says she is smart - and God knows best. Since I had just had that exact same thought about something that had been said to me, and was rebuking it just like Melody described, we had a "joy moment" when we shared how good God is. Melody giggled and said, "I feel so strong!".... knowing she could fight the lies with truth.

At our recovery class Sunday, I shared a story in our small group about a recent conflict with hubby and how wonderful it was to so quickly return to a place of rest and peace after the conflict. Grace piped up and told me (in front of everyone, mind you) how much she has seen me change the last few years. She sees me as a strong, educated woman who stands up for myself now, I no longer am under my husband but beside him. I have radically changed in the last 10 years.

I mentioned to Grace later that a lot of those changes have been applied to her as well (standing up to her, for example). She acknowledged that she sees even more of those changes in how I relate to her. I pointed out that she is safer right now than others in my family. But the healing has begun, it can't help but spill out all over the place.

Grace blessed me again tonight, without even knowing it. This is the second time this week she has joined in bedtime prayer with Melody and I. Last week it was just a quick "thank you God for the answer to the methadone crisis". Tonight it was broader, "thank you God for all the opportunities You are giving me." These are unsolicited prayers of gratitude from one who would never pretend or play nice or pray just to impress someone.

God is doing miracles in this family!!!! As hesitant as I have been to hope, there is hope being birthed in my soul. I will be ok if it all crashes, but I'll cross that bridge if needed. I won't hold back my joy or squash my hope just to protect myself. There is healing afoot. Let it begin in me...

Week In Review

I end the day today with a deep sense of contentment. As I tucked Melody in to bed, with Grace sleeping in the bottom bunk, I am grateful for the time I share with both of them. Grace has come so far, and Melody is loving the time with her mom in the security of our home.

I am recognizing that much of my ability to handle the stress of my life comes from the techniques I am learning in the recovery class at church. But it's so much more than the typical 'recovery' information... more than just facts and lessons... it is real life application tools that allow me to access the truth about God and who He made me to be.

I don't know if I can detail the specifics here (but leave a comment with your email if you want the name of class - I won't publish the comment but can respond personally). By far the biggest stress this week has been my well-meaning husband. I have been amazed at the difference in my response compared to similar conflicts in the past.

I am able to stay calm even when I perceive he is upset with me, and even start to see a glimmer of who he is in God's eyes. This is such a big deal for me! It's nothing short of miraculous. To not have my heart and mind go into overload - not go into that quivering state of panic where I have to fix the conflict by either taking in all the blame and give in - or by getting angry with him and passing all the fault his direction.

And even after the debate, when I was worn out and drained, I was able to return to a place of peace fairly quickly. I started to journal my thoughts, but instead spent the time reminding myself about what God says about me. It wasn't an ego thing, I needed to be reminded in that moment that Jesus loves me and paid the highest price to give me relationship with the Father. What He says about me is more important than any other message (internal or external).

In other news for the week, Grace asked my church to pray for her needs (financing the methadone program when her medical is cut next month, finding safe housing she can afford). She was told last week that she will be given a grant to be slowly taken off the methadone over the next 11 months. She's giving credit for that miracle to God, saying again tonight that she thinks praying over the issue did more to help than anything.

Grace is doing well in school, keeping up with her group therapy, testing clean weekly. The folks at CPS seem really surprised and excited to see that they may have someone who is pulling it together. The mental health evaluation meetings are done now, so all that's left is finding affordable housing and a job. No small tasks, but she is so much closer than I dreamed.

As excited and happy as I am for Grace, I am also excited to recognize in me a healthy distance from her behavior, even the good behavior. I'm not rushing around to find housing for her. I'm not bringing home job applications. I know I'm still nagging her, but not nearly as much as I want to or once would have. I've got a ways to go, but I recognize these steps are hers to make, not mine.

So progress continues, in my family and in me. I am content. God is good. Life is good. What more can I ask?

Truth Be Told

I've had a growing realization over the last few days that there is more going on under the surface in me than just "floating along". I think in part I am afraid to hope. And there are some other relational issues that are draining me. But this blog is about how I am (hopefully) breaking free of my connection to Grace's addiction. I will always be impacted by it, but I don't have to be tied heart and soul to it.

I made the comment to Grace a few days ago after something was said in church - that I am getting a glimmer of the possibility that I can be happy independent of her or my husband's happiness. The concept seems so foreign I'm not sure I can even describe it. I've always believed deep down that my happiness is dependant on how happy I make others. I am only happy not only when those around me are happy, but when I am the one that made them happy. I don't know if that makes sense.... I can be at peace and rest if they are happy, but the only thing that moves me into happiness is when it is my actions, my efforts that make those around me happy. It's a performance addiction in a sense.

I'm discovering this subconscious fantasy I've held where I leave them all and live alone. I let this little movie play in the back of my mind sometimes.... I'd decorate the house this way, I'd cook the  meals this way, I'd listen to this music, I'd be free to like what I wanted, do what I wanted with my time, not have to defend any of my thoughts or feelings to anyone.

But I'm gaining a shadowy image of a life where I can be at peace (maybe even happy) despite relationships  that are sometimes very unhappy. I have no idea what that looks like, but I am beginning to see it play out in my life. When my husband is upset with me, or Grace is making poor choices - I am able to maintain my separate identify and a base level of peace even as I grieve. It's more than just avoiding the crazy panic that usually overtakes me when they are upset. It's more than being able to maintain a neutral emptiness in the face of their unhappiness. It's a real, solid joy and peace and comfortableness within me that is not connected to how others around me are feeling.

That fear to hope that Grace will overcome this is part of this buried belief system in my soul. I can't dare hope because my happiness is dependant on her performance. I am afraid to hope, to let myself feel relief, or joy, or elation at her future because if she does not perform, I will be crushed.

Now that I see that connection, now that I've brought it into the light, I recognize it is not true. I don't need her performance to feel good about my life. I want good things for her and I hope she makes positive choices. But I don't need her to make the right choices. She needs to make the right choices for herself. I will find peace regardless of her choices.

So, I hope for her future. I'll deal with any disappointment if it comes. For now, I hope...

Floating Along

I'm not doing a very good job of making regular entries, am I? There does not seem to be a lot new the last week and I'm not sure there is any value in repeating the same concerns over and over again.

CPS held their 6 month "permanency" meeting last week. Everyone is amazed at how well Grace is doing. The only piece she is lacking to get custody back is to get a place of her own. She's been too picky to even look at the clean and sober houses - she peeked at one a couple months ago and turned up her nose. Now it crisis and she's stressing, but still not making the necessary calls.

She could be doing more behind the scenes that I'm not aware of. It sounds like she is checking email at least daily now. Besides, it's not my battle to fix or to worry over.

She loses the funding for the methadone if she doesn't get custody of Melody by the end of February. She said tonight that she heard about a program called 'financial methadone' I think. The goal is to take the person down gradually on a set schedule so they don't go through major withdrawals. She said she emailed her CPS case worker to see if they would fund it... seems like a long shot to me but at least she's taking the initiative and trying to find her own answers.

I feel bad that we won't let her move back here, but at the same time I know deep inside it would be the wrong thing. She has to learn how to survive on her own. The methadone has given her hope; she can stabilize, she can function, she can think and feel and make good decisions. Now she has to use those skills to take the next step.

So I'll keep watching, praying, waiting, caring for Melody and helping a bit.... and hoping beyond hope that she can keep climbing out of the hole she's dug for herself.

A Day Of Promise

The bright sunshine today held such promise. It's a reminder that even the longest, darkest season must give way to light and warmth and new beginnings. Basking in the rays on my face today, watching the barren trees seem to soak up the sun, seeing such vibrant color even without leaves and flowers in bloom - all point to life after death, to hope even in despair, to the quiet knowing that there is new life being born under the surface...

Spring is still so far away - and so many unknowns await. Will Grace find medical coverage for her methadone? It's not looking promising right now. Will she be able to handle the stress? Finish school? Will Melody be ok if Grace cannot maintain her sobriety? They are so close now - closer than I've ever imagined possible.

So many worries that are out of my control. But standing in the sun today gives me hope. There are better days ahead. There are juices awakening in unseen places that will soon bring color and life. May it be so not only in nature, but in the life of this family. Amen.

Am I Happy Or Am I Sad

I had an interesting comment from a friend the other day. She noted that I still seem sad sometimes even though Grace usually attends church with me and she made it through the first recovery class - she even says she'll keep coming. I should be ecstatic, right?

I've been pondering this observation. I think in general it is true. Even when Grace is with me, even when we are doing what I consider to be very positive things, I am still hesitant to put much trust in her - I'm not sure she'll be able to pull this off. So I protect myself from the possible (maybe even probable) disappointment by not rejoicing in the many accomplishments that she is making.

I know she has to sense this - but how much that impacts her is unclear. I'm not sure I'm even worried about it... she'll have to overcome lots of sceptics and I can't run my emotions based on how they might impact her. But it's interesting to discover yet another way I try to protect my heart... 

At the same time, I know its not healthy to  focus only on the good things and base my happiness on how Grace is performing. I guess all I can do for now is to recognize my attempts at self-protection and allow myself to rejoice with Grace for all the positive things she is doing. I hope I can find that balance of praising the good and being honest when needed. But in the end, my words or my mood will not determine how she lives her life. Maybe that's the most important discovery of all.... 

It Is Good

I am amazed at how easy it is to fall back into the old pattern - except that the old-new pattern right now is pretty good.... Grace was back to normal by Monday. I remain open to talk about the hidden anger in her, but don't see any value in forcing it right now. She has enough stress between staying clean and sober, handling school and keeping her head above water.

It has been so good to see Grace and Melody together this week. They love each other so much and get along so well. Watching them play in the snow Tuesday was a delight. They built what they declared was "the best snowman ever". They play and love and work together like two peas in a pod...

Grace noted tonight some of the little surprises that remind her she is on a new path. Like when she needed a few bucks to get her student ID today, she had it in her pocket. Not only did she have the money, but she noted she could pay for the ID and not have to worry about being sick tomorrow because she'd spent her drug money on a legitimate purchase.

She was explaining to Melody on the ride home why her hands get cold so easy - drugs and smoking hurt her circulation. "Don't ever do what I have done" is her mantra with Melody. I pray it will be so, although Melody will have to face the scars in her heart at some point if she is to avoid these pitfalls.

From pain to joy ~ and back again soon no doubt. Such is life. It's learning to let the roller coaster keep moving that's the challenge; not getting stuck at the bottom or the top. Just relax and enjoy the ride...

Truth Versus Fiction

The sermon today (in part) was about 'blow ups' and the resulting trauma that comes when we are in relationship. How did Billy know what my morning was like? Grace and I blew up at each other. Why did I have to pick the morning of the first recovery class to take a stand? She stormed out with some choice words about not sitting through my *X@# church or listening to some *X@# stupid class. I sure made it easy for her...

The battle was over how I get Melody going in the morning. It's a 10 to 15 minute dialogue with tickles, nagging, cajoling, bribing.... its long and tedious but works for us. I know most of it is crazy codependency where I won't take charge and just make her do what's good for her.

The process drives Grace nuts when she's home. She usually inserts herself when she gets mad enough and yells at Melody to get up. This morning I fought back. I told Grace she was abusive. I suggested she go home if she did not like our morning routine, which she promptly did. But she said some things in her anger that really hit me hard. I want to sort out the truth from the fiction.

You have a sick way of parenting - I can't believe CPS let's you be the parent instead of me: Part of this is true, I am a very sick codependent. I need to be more assertive - be the adult - not let Melody manipulate me into getting her own way with tears or whines. I pointed out to Grace that I was finally doing something right, that I was protecting Melody. Overall Grace is much better about balancing love and discipline. But as sick as my ways are, they are still better than her drug-filled life - no matter how good she was with Melody.

You are just creating another failure like you did with me. No child starts using drugs at age 13 if their parents do it right: I know it was her choice to turn to drugs. I also know I set the stage - using my busyness and constant activity to escape the pain of our home just as she would use drugs. Ultimately Melody will make her own choices. The best I can do is to finally confront the problems when I see them and deal with them as honestly as I can. Right now that means not turning to my usual escapes (food, books, volunteering), staying focused and connected - and letting Jesus be at the center even when it hurts like hell.

Where were you when I needed protecting - you just took off: Zinger... hit home! I was the one in charge during Grace's younger years. I completely shut my husband out. I realized that mistake when Grace was about 9 or 10, about the time my husband wanted to insert more discipline. My husband and I never could find that balance where we listened to each other and agreed on how to approach any given issue. So he had his way (very firm authoritarian) while I snuck behind his back and gave Grace whatever she wanted. When her teenage troubles started, I rarely stood up for her against my husband like I did today against her. I wanted him more involved in whatever way I could get it. And I knew he has just as much right as I do to determine how she should be raised.

So Grace is right, I should have had the backbone to defend her against abuse when she was younger. Instead I gave my life away at church or in politics or escaped with food or romance novels (the housewives porn). I wish I could undo that now. But I can't. And I won't let the guilt and remorse drive me to repeating it.

But the guilt, the shame at my mistakes, the overwhelming fear that she turned to the needle again today in her anger - these are hard emotions to allow to surface. I'm glad church was today so I couldn't hide. I need to keep laying Grace on the altar along with my emotions. It's only there that I can find the strength to sort the truth from the fiction.