Truth Be Told

I've had a growing realization over the last few days that there is more going on under the surface in me than just "floating along". I think in part I am afraid to hope. And there are some other relational issues that are draining me. But this blog is about how I am (hopefully) breaking free of my connection to Grace's addiction. I will always be impacted by it, but I don't have to be tied heart and soul to it.

I made the comment to Grace a few days ago after something was said in church - that I am getting a glimmer of the possibility that I can be happy independent of her or my husband's happiness. The concept seems so foreign I'm not sure I can even describe it. I've always believed deep down that my happiness is dependant on how happy I make others. I am only happy not only when those around me are happy, but when I am the one that made them happy. I don't know if that makes sense.... I can be at peace and rest if they are happy, but the only thing that moves me into happiness is when it is my actions, my efforts that make those around me happy. It's a performance addiction in a sense.

I'm discovering this subconscious fantasy I've held where I leave them all and live alone. I let this little movie play in the back of my mind sometimes.... I'd decorate the house this way, I'd cook the  meals this way, I'd listen to this music, I'd be free to like what I wanted, do what I wanted with my time, not have to defend any of my thoughts or feelings to anyone.

But I'm gaining a shadowy image of a life where I can be at peace (maybe even happy) despite relationships  that are sometimes very unhappy. I have no idea what that looks like, but I am beginning to see it play out in my life. When my husband is upset with me, or Grace is making poor choices - I am able to maintain my separate identify and a base level of peace even as I grieve. It's more than just avoiding the crazy panic that usually overtakes me when they are upset. It's more than being able to maintain a neutral emptiness in the face of their unhappiness. It's a real, solid joy and peace and comfortableness within me that is not connected to how others around me are feeling.

That fear to hope that Grace will overcome this is part of this buried belief system in my soul. I can't dare hope because my happiness is dependant on her performance. I am afraid to hope, to let myself feel relief, or joy, or elation at her future because if she does not perform, I will be crushed.

Now that I see that connection, now that I've brought it into the light, I recognize it is not true. I don't need her performance to feel good about my life. I want good things for her and I hope she makes positive choices. But I don't need her to make the right choices. She needs to make the right choices for herself. I will find peace regardless of her choices.

So, I hope for her future. I'll deal with any disappointment if it comes. For now, I hope...

Floating Along

I'm not doing a very good job of making regular entries, am I? There does not seem to be a lot new the last week and I'm not sure there is any value in repeating the same concerns over and over again.

CPS held their 6 month "permanency" meeting last week. Everyone is amazed at how well Grace is doing. The only piece she is lacking to get custody back is to get a place of her own. She's been too picky to even look at the clean and sober houses - she peeked at one a couple months ago and turned up her nose. Now it crisis and she's stressing, but still not making the necessary calls.

She could be doing more behind the scenes that I'm not aware of. It sounds like she is checking email at least daily now. Besides, it's not my battle to fix or to worry over.

She loses the funding for the methadone if she doesn't get custody of Melody by the end of February. She said tonight that she heard about a program called 'financial methadone' I think. The goal is to take the person down gradually on a set schedule so they don't go through major withdrawals. She said she emailed her CPS case worker to see if they would fund it... seems like a long shot to me but at least she's taking the initiative and trying to find her own answers.

I feel bad that we won't let her move back here, but at the same time I know deep inside it would be the wrong thing. She has to learn how to survive on her own. The methadone has given her hope; she can stabilize, she can function, she can think and feel and make good decisions. Now she has to use those skills to take the next step.

So I'll keep watching, praying, waiting, caring for Melody and helping a bit.... and hoping beyond hope that she can keep climbing out of the hole she's dug for herself.

A Day Of Promise

The bright sunshine today held such promise. It's a reminder that even the longest, darkest season must give way to light and warmth and new beginnings. Basking in the rays on my face today, watching the barren trees seem to soak up the sun, seeing such vibrant color even without leaves and flowers in bloom - all point to life after death, to hope even in despair, to the quiet knowing that there is new life being born under the surface...

Spring is still so far away - and so many unknowns await. Will Grace find medical coverage for her methadone? It's not looking promising right now. Will she be able to handle the stress? Finish school? Will Melody be ok if Grace cannot maintain her sobriety? They are so close now - closer than I've ever imagined possible.

So many worries that are out of my control. But standing in the sun today gives me hope. There are better days ahead. There are juices awakening in unseen places that will soon bring color and life. May it be so not only in nature, but in the life of this family. Amen.

Am I Happy Or Am I Sad

I had an interesting comment from a friend the other day. She noted that I still seem sad sometimes even though Grace usually attends church with me and she made it through the first recovery class - she even says she'll keep coming. I should be ecstatic, right?

I've been pondering this observation. I think in general it is true. Even when Grace is with me, even when we are doing what I consider to be very positive things, I am still hesitant to put much trust in her - I'm not sure she'll be able to pull this off. So I protect myself from the possible (maybe even probable) disappointment by not rejoicing in the many accomplishments that she is making.

I know she has to sense this - but how much that impacts her is unclear. I'm not sure I'm even worried about it... she'll have to overcome lots of sceptics and I can't run my emotions based on how they might impact her. But it's interesting to discover yet another way I try to protect my heart... 

At the same time, I know its not healthy to  focus only on the good things and base my happiness on how Grace is performing. I guess all I can do for now is to recognize my attempts at self-protection and allow myself to rejoice with Grace for all the positive things she is doing. I hope I can find that balance of praising the good and being honest when needed. But in the end, my words or my mood will not determine how she lives her life. Maybe that's the most important discovery of all.... 

It Is Good

I am amazed at how easy it is to fall back into the old pattern - except that the old-new pattern right now is pretty good.... Grace was back to normal by Monday. I remain open to talk about the hidden anger in her, but don't see any value in forcing it right now. She has enough stress between staying clean and sober, handling school and keeping her head above water.

It has been so good to see Grace and Melody together this week. They love each other so much and get along so well. Watching them play in the snow Tuesday was a delight. They built what they declared was "the best snowman ever". They play and love and work together like two peas in a pod...

Grace noted tonight some of the little surprises that remind her she is on a new path. Like when she needed a few bucks to get her student ID today, she had it in her pocket. Not only did she have the money, but she noted she could pay for the ID and not have to worry about being sick tomorrow because she'd spent her drug money on a legitimate purchase.

She was explaining to Melody on the ride home why her hands get cold so easy - drugs and smoking hurt her circulation. "Don't ever do what I have done" is her mantra with Melody. I pray it will be so, although Melody will have to face the scars in her heart at some point if she is to avoid these pitfalls.

From pain to joy ~ and back again soon no doubt. Such is life. It's learning to let the roller coaster keep moving that's the challenge; not getting stuck at the bottom or the top. Just relax and enjoy the ride...

Truth Versus Fiction

The sermon today (in part) was about 'blow ups' and the resulting trauma that comes when we are in relationship. How did Billy know what my morning was like? Grace and I blew up at each other. Why did I have to pick the morning of the first recovery class to take a stand? She stormed out with some choice words about not sitting through my *X@# church or listening to some *X@# stupid class. I sure made it easy for her...

The battle was over how I get Melody going in the morning. It's a 10 to 15 minute dialogue with tickles, nagging, cajoling, bribing.... its long and tedious but works for us. I know most of it is crazy codependency where I won't take charge and just make her do what's good for her.

The process drives Grace nuts when she's home. She usually inserts herself when she gets mad enough and yells at Melody to get up. This morning I fought back. I told Grace she was abusive. I suggested she go home if she did not like our morning routine, which she promptly did. But she said some things in her anger that really hit me hard. I want to sort out the truth from the fiction.

You have a sick way of parenting - I can't believe CPS let's you be the parent instead of me: Part of this is true, I am a very sick codependent. I need to be more assertive - be the adult - not let Melody manipulate me into getting her own way with tears or whines. I pointed out to Grace that I was finally doing something right, that I was protecting Melody. Overall Grace is much better about balancing love and discipline. But as sick as my ways are, they are still better than her drug-filled life - no matter how good she was with Melody.

You are just creating another failure like you did with me. No child starts using drugs at age 13 if their parents do it right: I know it was her choice to turn to drugs. I also know I set the stage - using my busyness and constant activity to escape the pain of our home just as she would use drugs. Ultimately Melody will make her own choices. The best I can do is to finally confront the problems when I see them and deal with them as honestly as I can. Right now that means not turning to my usual escapes (food, books, volunteering), staying focused and connected - and letting Jesus be at the center even when it hurts like hell.

Where were you when I needed protecting - you just took off: Zinger... hit home! I was the one in charge during Grace's younger years. I completely shut my husband out. I realized that mistake when Grace was about 9 or 10, about the time my husband wanted to insert more discipline. My husband and I never could find that balance where we listened to each other and agreed on how to approach any given issue. So he had his way (very firm authoritarian) while I snuck behind his back and gave Grace whatever she wanted. When her teenage troubles started, I rarely stood up for her against my husband like I did today against her. I wanted him more involved in whatever way I could get it. And I knew he has just as much right as I do to determine how she should be raised.

So Grace is right, I should have had the backbone to defend her against abuse when she was younger. Instead I gave my life away at church or in politics or escaped with food or romance novels (the housewives porn). I wish I could undo that now. But I can't. And I won't let the guilt and remorse drive me to repeating it.

But the guilt, the shame at my mistakes, the overwhelming fear that she turned to the needle again today in her anger - these are hard emotions to allow to surface. I'm glad church was today so I couldn't hide. I need to keep laying Grace on the altar along with my emotions. It's only there that I can find the strength to sort the truth from the fiction.

Healing Begins

Just a quick note for now... Melody has been listening to her new CD as she falls asleep the last couple of nights. This is her favorite song. I can't describe the wonder and joy I feel hearing her young voice sing these words:

Healing Begins
Mike Donehey/Jason Ingram/Jeff Owen

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do so we think that you're good
And you can't believe it’s not enough
All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside

So let them fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide could come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight this coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

Recognition

I've been too busy as I settle into the 'after Christmas' routine. Super-duper busyness is my disease - stay busy enough and you don't have to feel. And the bonus is you sometimes get kudos for all your good works that help salve the insecure heart... but exploring that issue will have to wait. For today, I want to write down some of the realizations of the last couple of days...

The message at church Sunday triggered a small realization. I don't even remember what was said; something about being honest and knowing that meant we won't be able to please all the people all the time. I recognized that I am disappointed in Grace. It's not a pleasant realization. But it is what's really there inside me.

As I've sorted through the emotions, I can see it's largely my sorrow at the damage she's done to her life. I had hoped for so much for her. I know she and God can redeem the mistakes, but I am disappointed she took this path. I think most mother's would react similarly. The interesting thing is I also recognize that I still love her regardless of any disappointment. That underlying affection is not attached to her performance.

I'm not sure how these realizations will impact my actions towards or reactions to Grace, if at all. But it's good to get in touch with a bit more of my heart.

Another step I'm trying to take is to consistently lay down my fears and anxious worries. When those thoughts hit me, I lay them on the altar. It's a real sacrifice like so many religions practice. I have to lay down the fear, let go with open hands, pray over the 'gift' I am leaving on the altar and choose to walk away.

As a Christian, my altar is at the foot of the cross of Jesus. The Mighty Savior who loves me so deeply also loves Grace more than I can ever fathom. I need to step out of the way and let Him care for her - and for Melody. That means following His Example and letting Grace fully experience the impact of her choices, even if it breaks my heart or destroys Melody's hopes.

Heck, Grace is making great choices right now - maybe the impact might be positive! I can't protect myself from future disappointment or hurt by being anxious or fearing the worst. It's so weird that when the ride is good, it's harder to relax and enjoy than when it's going poorly. When things are bad, I know things can only get better. When things are good, they can only get worse, right? What a sick way to live life...

The last ah-ha moment was to know that it's ok for me to feel this yucky stuff. I've tried so hard to hurry Grace or Melody out of their negative feelings - but I can see that we need to feel this crap in order to get beyond it. I am anxious and fearful more than I should be. But I'm finally allowing these emotions to the surface - and with that comes the knowledge that I need to visit the altar a lot more often...

This song ministered to me today: It's All Your's God by Steven Curtis Chapman

Earlier Battle

Part of what I want to document here is the full picture of my actions. When we first confronted Grace with the discovery of stolen jewelry, she admitted she was using heroin and agreed to treatment. The absolute frustration of getting the system to respond was beyond description.

Sitting for hours with her at the welfare office with stupefied responses from dumbfounded case workers who had no idea what to do with an honest addict asking for help finally lead to a very cold, uncaring phone call that said she would have to wait at least a month to get into a treatment program.

We were both in tears - and then I went to battle. The following is a copy of the email I sent out to local media and elected officials, which were followed by phone calls. The second email is a follow up thank you for the help in rattling a few cages. I'm leaving out names again. You'll recall from my summary that Grace did get into treatment within 3 days of this email, but checked herself out after a day.
___________________________________________________

July 6, 2010

 

Dear Senator ----- and Representatives --------- and --------:

 

I am fighting for my daughter’s life. Denial, shame and fear have held me back from this battle for too long. My daughter [Grace] is a heroin addict. She has abused drugs or alcohol for more than half of her 30 years. She forced herself to detox alone this weekend without any formal assistance, holding on until today so she could get help from the only system available to help; the Department of Social and Health Services.

I have watched her struggle for years, not knowing when to step in and back her up. Last year when she admitted abusing Oxycontin, she got herself clean and went to DSHS for help. She asked to go into a treatment program, but her social worker told her the solution was “mind over matter” – he had survived war in Vietnam and anyone could overcome anything if they just tried hard enough. Right now I’d like to find that man and force him to look at Grace’s track marks - knowing she asked for help before she started shooting drugs into her veins. I know it was her choice, but she had a much better chance to overcome this before she started using heroin.

So this time when she admitted the problem, her dad and I agreed we would help fight the system. It is hard enough to traverse the horribly complex ‘assistance’ programs when you feel well and are at full mental strength. It is insurmountable when you are 5 days clean. I watched her puke her guts out all weekend, shake and sweat and clench her teeth; just holding on until the DSHS offices opened today. I am glad I was there to try to help because it turned out to be a nightmare that left us both in tears.

Even though they did not have space in their facility to help this weekend, the detox center encouraged us to find a bed in a treatment program immediately after detox. Heroin is the most addictive drug out there. Grace is finally ready to take the right steps to beat this thing. Every minute, much less every day, is excruciating in her condition. She is depressed, lonely and needs immediate help.

It was clear at the DSHS office that an honest addict asking for help was unusual. The first two people we talked to were helpful and offered hope that we would find answers today (Mrs. ------ and Ms. ----). The final step was to see a social worker for a drug assessment, or so we thought. Instead, Ms. ---- was assigned to her case (perhaps as her social worker, I am not sure). Ms. ---- refused to allow me to accompany Lisa even though we both asked. She arranged for a drug assessment on Friday (3 days from now) through an outside agency and for counseling for depression.

I was able to locate a phone number for Ms. ---- and her supervisor, ----------. Ms. ----- called back to assure us there is nothing more anyone can do. Since Grace had signed a form agreeing to this course of action, Ms. ---- felt there was enough incentive for her to follow the program. I cannot disagree more.

I then spoke to the counselor who will be doing the drug assessment on Friday. He agreed that Friday was the earliest he could see Grace. And that it would take several days if not weeks to get her into a treatment program. If she has managed to get clean and sober, she can look up some AA meetings for support until more help is available.

Grace is not the typical homeless addict with no hope. She has a strong support system around her ready to help her overcome this disease. She is ready, willing and begging for help for the first time - actually she is asking for a second time, but was turned away the first time.

I recognize this may be the best the system has to offer. But for an addict going into treatment for the first time, with support and energy and hope, there ought to be a way to meet her need. There is an unspoken assumption that she will keep using until there is an open bed; or that heroin addiction a hopeless cause and not worth the effort since she’ll only go back to the drug. I don’t care what ‘usually’ happens with heroin addicts. I don’t care that the normal system takes weeks or months before it allows her to take the first steps towards recovery. She needs help and she needs it NOW. Her 8 year daughter deserves this chance as much as Grace does.

I hope that you or your office will be able to provide help or guidance to us as we fight to keep my daughter alive. That may sound dramatic, but most drug or alcohol experts have told us that this disease is fatal unless there is intervention. We intervened - Grace finally wants help - help is out there. But it must happen now if she is to have a fighting chance. This is an opportunity for DSHS to shine, to help someone who is ready to turn their life around.

I hope to hear from you by tomorrow, Wednesday, July 7^th. My cell number is ------. My husband is off work on Thursday or Friday and can be reached at --------.

Thank you,

Grace's Mom and Dad 

PS: I’ve copied a couple of news outlets just in case this opportunity for ‘the system’ to step up and help before it’s too late might be of interest to them.

_________________________________________________________________
July 7, 2010

 

Wow, what a difference 24 hours can make. I want to thank you all for you help, especially ---- (media person) and Senator -------- office who got the ball rolling in the right direction. I've spoken to many, many helpful people today and have phone numbers for additional help if needed. Forgive me, I'm still not sure who everyone is and how the different agencies relate, but ------- (with ------- County Health Department I think) was able to move the assessment up to tomorrow morning for Grace. From there we will take the first available treatment bed in the state - which is expected to be no longer than a week.

 

I realize this will ultimately be Grace's war to win. I have felt helpless against this disease for so long, I may have pushed harder than necessary with this one battle where I felt I could take up the sword for her. But she now has a clearer path to health thanks to all your efforts today. I am deeply grateful...

 

Thank you again,

 

Grace's Mom