I had an interesting comment from a friend the other day. She noted that I still seem sad sometimes even though Grace usually attends church with me and she made it through the first recovery class - she even says she'll keep coming. I should be ecstatic, right?
I've been pondering this observation. I think in general it is true. Even when Grace is with me, even when we are doing what I consider to be very positive things, I am still hesitant to put much trust in her - I'm not sure she'll be able to pull this off. So I protect myself from the possible (maybe even probable) disappointment by not rejoicing in the many accomplishments that she is making.
I know she has to sense this - but how much that impacts her is unclear. I'm not sure I'm even worried about it... she'll have to overcome lots of sceptics and I can't run my emotions based on how they might impact her. But it's interesting to discover yet another way I try to protect my heart...
At the same time, I know its not healthy to focus only on the good things and base my happiness on how Grace is performing. I guess all I can do for now is to recognize my attempts at self-protection and allow myself to rejoice with Grace for all the positive things she is doing. I hope I can find that balance of praising the good and being honest when needed. But in the end, my words or my mood will not determine how she lives her life. Maybe that's the most important discovery of all....
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