Recognition

I've been too busy as I settle into the 'after Christmas' routine. Super-duper busyness is my disease - stay busy enough and you don't have to feel. And the bonus is you sometimes get kudos for all your good works that help salve the insecure heart... but exploring that issue will have to wait. For today, I want to write down some of the realizations of the last couple of days...

The message at church Sunday triggered a small realization. I don't even remember what was said; something about being honest and knowing that meant we won't be able to please all the people all the time. I recognized that I am disappointed in Grace. It's not a pleasant realization. But it is what's really there inside me.

As I've sorted through the emotions, I can see it's largely my sorrow at the damage she's done to her life. I had hoped for so much for her. I know she and God can redeem the mistakes, but I am disappointed she took this path. I think most mother's would react similarly. The interesting thing is I also recognize that I still love her regardless of any disappointment. That underlying affection is not attached to her performance.

I'm not sure how these realizations will impact my actions towards or reactions to Grace, if at all. But it's good to get in touch with a bit more of my heart.

Another step I'm trying to take is to consistently lay down my fears and anxious worries. When those thoughts hit me, I lay them on the altar. It's a real sacrifice like so many religions practice. I have to lay down the fear, let go with open hands, pray over the 'gift' I am leaving on the altar and choose to walk away.

As a Christian, my altar is at the foot of the cross of Jesus. The Mighty Savior who loves me so deeply also loves Grace more than I can ever fathom. I need to step out of the way and let Him care for her - and for Melody. That means following His Example and letting Grace fully experience the impact of her choices, even if it breaks my heart or destroys Melody's hopes.

Heck, Grace is making great choices right now - maybe the impact might be positive! I can't protect myself from future disappointment or hurt by being anxious or fearing the worst. It's so weird that when the ride is good, it's harder to relax and enjoy than when it's going poorly. When things are bad, I know things can only get better. When things are good, they can only get worse, right? What a sick way to live life...

The last ah-ha moment was to know that it's ok for me to feel this yucky stuff. I've tried so hard to hurry Grace or Melody out of their negative feelings - but I can see that we need to feel this crap in order to get beyond it. I am anxious and fearful more than I should be. But I'm finally allowing these emotions to the surface - and with that comes the knowledge that I need to visit the altar a lot more often...

This song ministered to me today: It's All Your's God by Steven Curtis Chapman