Truth Be Told

I've had a growing realization over the last few days that there is more going on under the surface in me than just "floating along". I think in part I am afraid to hope. And there are some other relational issues that are draining me. But this blog is about how I am (hopefully) breaking free of my connection to Grace's addiction. I will always be impacted by it, but I don't have to be tied heart and soul to it.

I made the comment to Grace a few days ago after something was said in church - that I am getting a glimmer of the possibility that I can be happy independent of her or my husband's happiness. The concept seems so foreign I'm not sure I can even describe it. I've always believed deep down that my happiness is dependant on how happy I make others. I am only happy not only when those around me are happy, but when I am the one that made them happy. I don't know if that makes sense.... I can be at peace and rest if they are happy, but the only thing that moves me into happiness is when it is my actions, my efforts that make those around me happy. It's a performance addiction in a sense.

I'm discovering this subconscious fantasy I've held where I leave them all and live alone. I let this little movie play in the back of my mind sometimes.... I'd decorate the house this way, I'd cook the  meals this way, I'd listen to this music, I'd be free to like what I wanted, do what I wanted with my time, not have to defend any of my thoughts or feelings to anyone.

But I'm gaining a shadowy image of a life where I can be at peace (maybe even happy) despite relationships  that are sometimes very unhappy. I have no idea what that looks like, but I am beginning to see it play out in my life. When my husband is upset with me, or Grace is making poor choices - I am able to maintain my separate identify and a base level of peace even as I grieve. It's more than just avoiding the crazy panic that usually overtakes me when they are upset. It's more than being able to maintain a neutral emptiness in the face of their unhappiness. It's a real, solid joy and peace and comfortableness within me that is not connected to how others around me are feeling.

That fear to hope that Grace will overcome this is part of this buried belief system in my soul. I can't dare hope because my happiness is dependant on her performance. I am afraid to hope, to let myself feel relief, or joy, or elation at her future because if she does not perform, I will be crushed.

Now that I see that connection, now that I've brought it into the light, I recognize it is not true. I don't need her performance to feel good about my life. I want good things for her and I hope she makes positive choices. But I don't need her to make the right choices. She needs to make the right choices for herself. I will find peace regardless of her choices.

So, I hope for her future. I'll deal with any disappointment if it comes. For now, I hope...