The sermon today (in part) was about 'blow ups' and the resulting trauma that comes when we are in relationship. How did Billy know what my morning was like? Grace and I blew up at each other. Why did I have to pick the morning of the first recovery class to take a stand? She stormed out with some choice words about not sitting through my *X@# church or listening to some *X@# stupid class. I sure made it easy for her...
The battle was over how I get Melody going in the morning. It's a 10 to 15 minute dialogue with tickles, nagging, cajoling, bribing.... its long and tedious but works for us. I know most of it is crazy codependency where I won't take charge and just make her do what's good for her.
The process drives Grace nuts when she's home. She usually inserts herself when she gets mad enough and yells at Melody to get up. This morning I fought back. I told Grace she was abusive. I suggested she go home if she did not like our morning routine, which she promptly did. But she said some things in her anger that really hit me hard. I want to sort out the truth from the fiction.
You have a sick way of parenting - I can't believe CPS let's you be the parent instead of me: Part of this is true, I am a very sick codependent. I need to be more assertive - be the adult - not let Melody manipulate me into getting her own way with tears or whines. I pointed out to Grace that I was finally doing something right, that I was protecting Melody. Overall Grace is much better about balancing love and discipline. But as sick as my ways are, they are still better than her drug-filled life - no matter how good she was with Melody.
You are just creating another failure like you did with me. No child starts using drugs at age 13 if their parents do it right: I know it was her choice to turn to drugs. I also know I set the stage - using my busyness and constant activity to escape the pain of our home just as she would use drugs. Ultimately Melody will make her own choices. The best I can do is to finally confront the problems when I see them and deal with them as honestly as I can. Right now that means not turning to my usual escapes (food, books, volunteering), staying focused and connected - and letting Jesus be at the center even when it hurts like hell.
Where were you when I needed protecting - you just took off: Zinger... hit home! I was the one in charge during Grace's younger years. I completely shut my husband out. I realized that mistake when Grace was about 9 or 10, about the time my husband wanted to insert more discipline. My husband and I never could find that balance where we listened to each other and agreed on how to approach any given issue. So he had his way (very firm authoritarian) while I snuck behind his back and gave Grace whatever she wanted. When her teenage troubles started, I rarely stood up for her against my husband like I did today against her. I wanted him more involved in whatever way I could get it. And I knew he has just as much right as I do to determine how she should be raised.
So Grace is right, I should have had the backbone to defend her against abuse when she was younger. Instead I gave my life away at church or in politics or escaped with food or romance novels (the housewives porn). I wish I could undo that now. But I can't. And I won't let the guilt and remorse drive me to repeating it.
But the guilt, the shame at my mistakes, the overwhelming fear that she turned to the needle again today in her anger - these are hard emotions to allow to surface. I'm glad church was today so I couldn't hide. I need to keep laying Grace on the altar along with my emotions. It's only there that I can find the strength to sort the truth from the fiction.
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