Seductive Addictions

I have my own seductive addictions. I felt two of them today. They pull at my emotions - just under the surface - bidding me to come deeper into their captive patterns. They offer comfort, and security, and familiarity. I've tried to use them to rescue my soul before, and found momentary rest, but it's short-lived and unsustainable.

The first was this morning. I had small but thoughtful Valentines gifts for the family on the table when they came downstairs. I baked a special cake for everyone. Melody and I stayed up late last night decorating cupcakes for her school party. I even wrote out special cards for each person in the family, complete with individual scripture verses. Melody especially seemed to like the special attention.

As I sat down just before leaving for work, I caught myself in a contented sigh with the thought, "I could get used to this". I was relishing the enjoyment of my family, of doing good for them and making them happy. But I caught myself almost right away - recognizing that too much of a good thing is addicting for me.

How easily I get lost in wanting to see them all happy, in doing anything and everything to ensure they stay that way. I get some perverse satisfaction when I am the one orchestrating the 'happy family'. It's more than just wanting peace in the home, I get a big part of my sense of value from seeing them happy. That's where it crosses the line, when I need to do these things for me, not for them. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, but at least I'm recognizing there is a difference....

The second seduction today was the all too familiar pity that comes on Valentines Day. There is no great human romance in my life - usually no reciprocal gifts or well wishes. By afternoon I was feeling tired and put out and unloved. I sat in my office with Grace and Melody busy with other things and felt a wave of pity/sorrow start to wash over me. It felt so familiar, so comfortable. I wanted to let myself relax, cry it out, give in to the pity.

But there was an almost instant catch inside me. The truth spoke louder; I am the Beloved of God. He gave His all to buy my freedom, to have relationship with me. Even if I was all alone today, with no human contact, I am still deeply loved and treasured beyond measure. 

So I savored that truth for a few minutes, came home with the girls to discover hubby had bought beautiful flower bouquets for each of us. This is a wonderful new life, full of surprises and growth. I have my own addictions, but there is hope...

Gratitude

Tonight I just want to express my gratitude to God and man for all the blessings in my life. I shared a couple of stories with my Lovely Ladies today that I'll document here as well. There is so much healing going in my family - I am amazed and humbled....

Last week in the car Melody mentioned that she can recognize when Satan is trying to tell her a lie like she is ugly or stupid. So she answers him back in her mind and tells him to shut up, that she is special and God says she is smart - and God knows best. Since I had just had that exact same thought about something that had been said to me, and was rebuking it just like Melody described, we had a "joy moment" when we shared how good God is. Melody giggled and said, "I feel so strong!".... knowing she could fight the lies with truth.

At our recovery class Sunday, I shared a story in our small group about a recent conflict with hubby and how wonderful it was to so quickly return to a place of rest and peace after the conflict. Grace piped up and told me (in front of everyone, mind you) how much she has seen me change the last few years. She sees me as a strong, educated woman who stands up for myself now, I no longer am under my husband but beside him. I have radically changed in the last 10 years.

I mentioned to Grace later that a lot of those changes have been applied to her as well (standing up to her, for example). She acknowledged that she sees even more of those changes in how I relate to her. I pointed out that she is safer right now than others in my family. But the healing has begun, it can't help but spill out all over the place.

Grace blessed me again tonight, without even knowing it. This is the second time this week she has joined in bedtime prayer with Melody and I. Last week it was just a quick "thank you God for the answer to the methadone crisis". Tonight it was broader, "thank you God for all the opportunities You are giving me." These are unsolicited prayers of gratitude from one who would never pretend or play nice or pray just to impress someone.

God is doing miracles in this family!!!! As hesitant as I have been to hope, there is hope being birthed in my soul. I will be ok if it all crashes, but I'll cross that bridge if needed. I won't hold back my joy or squash my hope just to protect myself. There is healing afoot. Let it begin in me...

Week In Review

I end the day today with a deep sense of contentment. As I tucked Melody in to bed, with Grace sleeping in the bottom bunk, I am grateful for the time I share with both of them. Grace has come so far, and Melody is loving the time with her mom in the security of our home.

I am recognizing that much of my ability to handle the stress of my life comes from the techniques I am learning in the recovery class at church. But it's so much more than the typical 'recovery' information... more than just facts and lessons... it is real life application tools that allow me to access the truth about God and who He made me to be.

I don't know if I can detail the specifics here (but leave a comment with your email if you want the name of class - I won't publish the comment but can respond personally). By far the biggest stress this week has been my well-meaning husband. I have been amazed at the difference in my response compared to similar conflicts in the past.

I am able to stay calm even when I perceive he is upset with me, and even start to see a glimmer of who he is in God's eyes. This is such a big deal for me! It's nothing short of miraculous. To not have my heart and mind go into overload - not go into that quivering state of panic where I have to fix the conflict by either taking in all the blame and give in - or by getting angry with him and passing all the fault his direction.

And even after the debate, when I was worn out and drained, I was able to return to a place of peace fairly quickly. I started to journal my thoughts, but instead spent the time reminding myself about what God says about me. It wasn't an ego thing, I needed to be reminded in that moment that Jesus loves me and paid the highest price to give me relationship with the Father. What He says about me is more important than any other message (internal or external).

In other news for the week, Grace asked my church to pray for her needs (financing the methadone program when her medical is cut next month, finding safe housing she can afford). She was told last week that she will be given a grant to be slowly taken off the methadone over the next 11 months. She's giving credit for that miracle to God, saying again tonight that she thinks praying over the issue did more to help than anything.

Grace is doing well in school, keeping up with her group therapy, testing clean weekly. The folks at CPS seem really surprised and excited to see that they may have someone who is pulling it together. The mental health evaluation meetings are done now, so all that's left is finding affordable housing and a job. No small tasks, but she is so much closer than I dreamed.

As excited and happy as I am for Grace, I am also excited to recognize in me a healthy distance from her behavior, even the good behavior. I'm not rushing around to find housing for her. I'm not bringing home job applications. I know I'm still nagging her, but not nearly as much as I want to or once would have. I've got a ways to go, but I recognize these steps are hers to make, not mine.

So progress continues, in my family and in me. I am content. God is good. Life is good. What more can I ask?