Seductive Addictions

I have my own seductive addictions. I felt two of them today. They pull at my emotions - just under the surface - bidding me to come deeper into their captive patterns. They offer comfort, and security, and familiarity. I've tried to use them to rescue my soul before, and found momentary rest, but it's short-lived and unsustainable.

The first was this morning. I had small but thoughtful Valentines gifts for the family on the table when they came downstairs. I baked a special cake for everyone. Melody and I stayed up late last night decorating cupcakes for her school party. I even wrote out special cards for each person in the family, complete with individual scripture verses. Melody especially seemed to like the special attention.

As I sat down just before leaving for work, I caught myself in a contented sigh with the thought, "I could get used to this". I was relishing the enjoyment of my family, of doing good for them and making them happy. But I caught myself almost right away - recognizing that too much of a good thing is addicting for me.

How easily I get lost in wanting to see them all happy, in doing anything and everything to ensure they stay that way. I get some perverse satisfaction when I am the one orchestrating the 'happy family'. It's more than just wanting peace in the home, I get a big part of my sense of value from seeing them happy. That's where it crosses the line, when I need to do these things for me, not for them. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, but at least I'm recognizing there is a difference....

The second seduction today was the all too familiar pity that comes on Valentines Day. There is no great human romance in my life - usually no reciprocal gifts or well wishes. By afternoon I was feeling tired and put out and unloved. I sat in my office with Grace and Melody busy with other things and felt a wave of pity/sorrow start to wash over me. It felt so familiar, so comfortable. I wanted to let myself relax, cry it out, give in to the pity.

But there was an almost instant catch inside me. The truth spoke louder; I am the Beloved of God. He gave His all to buy my freedom, to have relationship with me. Even if I was all alone today, with no human contact, I am still deeply loved and treasured beyond measure. 

So I savored that truth for a few minutes, came home with the girls to discover hubby had bought beautiful flower bouquets for each of us. This is a wonderful new life, full of surprises and growth. I have my own addictions, but there is hope...