I know I'm repeating themes these days, but maybe I just need to recognize these things over and over again in order to relearn my behaviors and thought processes...
Today's repeat is how much I nag Grace and Melody. Talk about repeats! I must have repeated the same nag 5 times on the way home from school. I nag Melody most, then Grace and least of all my hubby. I guess it's in the order of trouble I get into with the person, how strong the response is when they fight back.
Melody and Grace have started giving me a hard time about my driving skill, or as they see it, the lack of skill. It bothers me, but I only joke back at them. Hey, at least I still have a car to drive...
But when I think about it, my displeasure and criticism of them is even more blatant when I nag. It says they can't do it right without me making sure it happens. It tells them they are not smart enough, don't have the skill to do the simple tasks in their lives without me. It is so much better to set reasonable consequences and then let them make their own choice.
Grace is well beyond any of my control. The sooner I recognize and walk in that the better for both of us. There have been countless times even this last month when she put something off or did something a different way than I would have. But she somehow pulled it off.
It drove me nuts watching it and trying not to prod her. I was grumpy, edgy, obsessed with worry about her getting this and that done on time. I was able to figure out where my anxiety was coming from eventually, which helped a little. It's such a long process to get over this...
I hope I can recognize this pattern more often with Melody. I want both of us to be free from this all-consuming worry about all the small stuff. Jesus - Savior - save me from myself, this fear of imperfection. Let me, and my family, learn from our mistakes and grow into the adults You have designed.... Amen...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sorrow
Phil killed himself 16 years ago in May. Dad died 15 years ago in April. Even with the promise of spring, the soft gentle rains and color returning to the earth, the season holds dark memories for me. Death is so permanent. It leaves such emptiness. There is a darkness and hollow sorrow that contrasts the returning life around me.
I spoke today at the dedication of a memorial for Phil. I only spoke of the good things, and the vast majority of his life was so good. It was just that last final moment that was not. In his last act, he selfishly ended his pain but brought such multitude of sorrows for his children, family and friends.
I'll never know what it was like in his mind, how intense his pain was. But it still seems like he took the easy way out, especially seeing the havoc his choice made in the lives around him. I know its not my place to judge, but if he had known how much he destroyed with his death, I don't think he would have put that gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
I hope Grace knows such clarity of thought as she faces her future. The hard part for her starts now. She's achieved all the big goals now. A's and B's this quarter in school, got her own place, got a job. All that's left is for CPS to catch up and send Melody back to her.
It's the day to day drudgery that she has to figure out how to handle now. It's the fight with the boss, the co-worker who slights her, it's Melody hitting the teen years and fighting to leave her mom. It will be the challenge of weaning herself off methadone and having to deal with the depression or other emotions that she's never really faced before.
I can only hope that she remembers the lessons from Phil - from his life and from his death. She said today how selfish he was to take his own life. May she remember that as she faces her own pain...
I spoke today at the dedication of a memorial for Phil. I only spoke of the good things, and the vast majority of his life was so good. It was just that last final moment that was not. In his last act, he selfishly ended his pain but brought such multitude of sorrows for his children, family and friends.
I'll never know what it was like in his mind, how intense his pain was. But it still seems like he took the easy way out, especially seeing the havoc his choice made in the lives around him. I know its not my place to judge, but if he had known how much he destroyed with his death, I don't think he would have put that gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
I hope Grace knows such clarity of thought as she faces her future. The hard part for her starts now. She's achieved all the big goals now. A's and B's this quarter in school, got her own place, got a job. All that's left is for CPS to catch up and send Melody back to her.
It's the day to day drudgery that she has to figure out how to handle now. It's the fight with the boss, the co-worker who slights her, it's Melody hitting the teen years and fighting to leave her mom. It will be the challenge of weaning herself off methadone and having to deal with the depression or other emotions that she's never really faced before.
I can only hope that she remembers the lessons from Phil - from his life and from his death. She said today how selfish he was to take his own life. May she remember that as she faces her own pain...
Monday, March 21, 2011
What To Do - What Not To Do
So the day to day struggle right now is to know - moment by moment and request by request - what is healthy to do for Grace and what is not. Should I make that phone call for her so she can save her expensive minutes? She's not using them on calls to friends, she's being very careful. Should I run the check down to her for the diversion program or let her face felony charges because she didn't pull the correct amount from her cash envelope we keep in my purse? Should I stay up late (and keep Melody up late) and take her to the store tonight?
So, today I said "no" twice and "yes" once. It seemed the rescue on the felony issue was ok, although I joked it was the ultimate "rescue" to meet her at the courthouse with the check in hand.
I honestly don't think she even sees it, nor do I see it most of the time. As hubby says, she is doing so well right now that we want to support her. But when does support turn into that crippling, do-all, consuming drive where her life becomes the center of our life? We are drifting so easily back into that pattern.
I want to stay sensitive to that slight nudge I can feel now when we cross the line. It's like I'm a toddler just learning to walk. I need to keep practicing so I can get better. Or even better, Grace is the toddler just learning to walk on her own. I need to let her get out there and fall a few times.
The giant tumble of living in the drug houses last summer was not enough. The real challenge comes now, in learning to build a life one step at a time. It's the drudgery of taking the right steps day in and day out that builds character. It's choosing the unglamorous job, trudging to the bus stop or walking three miles in the rain when there is no bus - these are the choices that grow us up.
So, today I made progress. Tomorrow I hope for the same, both for Grace and for myself.
So, today I said "no" twice and "yes" once. It seemed the rescue on the felony issue was ok, although I joked it was the ultimate "rescue" to meet her at the courthouse with the check in hand.
I honestly don't think she even sees it, nor do I see it most of the time. As hubby says, she is doing so well right now that we want to support her. But when does support turn into that crippling, do-all, consuming drive where her life becomes the center of our life? We are drifting so easily back into that pattern.
I want to stay sensitive to that slight nudge I can feel now when we cross the line. It's like I'm a toddler just learning to walk. I need to keep practicing so I can get better. Or even better, Grace is the toddler just learning to walk on her own. I need to let her get out there and fall a few times.
The giant tumble of living in the drug houses last summer was not enough. The real challenge comes now, in learning to build a life one step at a time. It's the drudgery of taking the right steps day in and day out that builds character. It's choosing the unglamorous job, trudging to the bus stop or walking three miles in the rain when there is no bus - these are the choices that grow us up.
So, today I made progress. Tomorrow I hope for the same, both for Grace and for myself.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Soft ~ Strong
They look like they would fall with the slightest breeze. As much as I admire their delicate beauty, I find myself marveling at the strength of these soft pink balls. Somehow they withstand the late winter storms, buffeted by gales of wind, hail and heavy rain. They stand strong, clinging to their precarious perch, drawing strength from their roots despite the storm.
I am inspired to hold on despite the challenges in my life, draw strength from the deep roots of my faith and know that summer days are ahead...
Friday, March 11, 2011
I Know Her Pain
She's a mother and she cannot protect him. I know her pain intimately. That uncontrollable need to build a safe nest for your child. To do anything to make it ok, even if it means finding any available excuse for the addiction.
One of my siblings called yesterday to talk about their child's drug addiction. It's tearing their family apart. God, how I recognized the pain - what if the drug test is wrong and this isn't really a third failure that will mean expulsion from school? What more can they say, what more can they do? What course to set for this young adult already caught in the grip of this hell?
It's impossible to detach in the midst of the crisis and think clearly enough to make a rational decision. Knowing that one must let go and let your child walk into the darkness is impossible. I say that as one who waited too long to cut her loose. They say the addict has to reach bottom before they will change - the same is true for their mother.
Last summer, I remember looking at Grace just after CPS had taken Melody and she was living at a local drug house. Her arms were covered with track lines, every available vein had been punctured to feed the poison to her body. She was begging for help, so lost and alone. It ripped my heart in shreds to leave her standing there. But I had no more to give her...
As I drove away and glanced at her one last time, my heart saw more than the devastation that my eyes saw. My heart saw my baby girl as I held her for the first time, it felt the joy of seeing her first step, it knew again the connection of hearing the first time she said "mama". How in God's sweet name do you walk away from your child when they are in so much pain?
I know in retrospect it was the right thing. But it still hurts to remember that moment. Beneath the horror and anguish of that decision to turn away, I knew it was the only way to save her life. We had tried everything else, literally. We had spent 15 years running frantically looking for a solution. God how I hate this disease!!!!
So, I know the pain in my sibling's family. I understand the desperate search for answers. I know full well the strength of denial and how devastating the struggle is for everyone in the family. I pray they find power in their love to turn their backs and walk away from their child. It seems the opposite of love, but it is the only chance they have to save his life. Choose to remember holding the sweet baby, look into his eyes with that same tenderness and wish him well as he walks into the darkness...
One of my siblings called yesterday to talk about their child's drug addiction. It's tearing their family apart. God, how I recognized the pain - what if the drug test is wrong and this isn't really a third failure that will mean expulsion from school? What more can they say, what more can they do? What course to set for this young adult already caught in the grip of this hell?
It's impossible to detach in the midst of the crisis and think clearly enough to make a rational decision. Knowing that one must let go and let your child walk into the darkness is impossible. I say that as one who waited too long to cut her loose. They say the addict has to reach bottom before they will change - the same is true for their mother.
Last summer, I remember looking at Grace just after CPS had taken Melody and she was living at a local drug house. Her arms were covered with track lines, every available vein had been punctured to feed the poison to her body. She was begging for help, so lost and alone. It ripped my heart in shreds to leave her standing there. But I had no more to give her...
As I drove away and glanced at her one last time, my heart saw more than the devastation that my eyes saw. My heart saw my baby girl as I held her for the first time, it felt the joy of seeing her first step, it knew again the connection of hearing the first time she said "mama". How in God's sweet name do you walk away from your child when they are in so much pain?
I know in retrospect it was the right thing. But it still hurts to remember that moment. Beneath the horror and anguish of that decision to turn away, I knew it was the only way to save her life. We had tried everything else, literally. We had spent 15 years running frantically looking for a solution. God how I hate this disease!!!!
So, I know the pain in my sibling's family. I understand the desperate search for answers. I know full well the strength of denial and how devastating the struggle is for everyone in the family. I pray they find power in their love to turn their backs and walk away from their child. It seems the opposite of love, but it is the only chance they have to save his life. Choose to remember holding the sweet baby, look into his eyes with that same tenderness and wish him well as he walks into the darkness...
Monday, March 7, 2011
Paradox
I had a tough day yesterday for no particular reason. Just that buzz in the background, a tension just under the surface that I couldn't put my finger on. I knew I was feeling some kind of emotional pain, but had no specific source that I could identify.
Finally, as Melody was in the bath I made myself lay down in the dark of my room and just rest and pray for a minute. The tears came almost immediately - and the source was unexpected. I realized that I am caught in this horrible paradox. If I wish for Grace to get better, that means she takes Melody away. If I wish to stay in the current role as 'most important caregiver' for Melody, that means my daughter gets worse. Either way I loose something important to me.
As I cried, I also knew deep inside that Jesus will walk with me no matter what happens. And as I let my logic take over today, I realize that God knew what He was doing when He gave Melody to Grace, not me. In His perfect design for Melody's life, hubby and I are a secondary support - not the primary caregivers.
It's that massive co-dependency that drives me to want to be on the throne of Melody's affections. It's more than just wanting to be in control, although that's a huge part of this. It's that I want her to love me, maybe not more than her mom, but to LOVE me.
It's like I depend on the love of a 9 year old to validate my existence. I need her affection, her approval in some sense. Weird but true. I can't really put it into words yet, but there is something sick there. It's related to what I call my approval addiction - my desperate drive to be sure all people like me all the time. I don't like myself, so I live through other's 'like' of me.
The desperation is getting so much better. I don't get overwhelmed with it too much anymore. And I know to go to prayer when I do. But as the layers of the onion get unpeeled, I see more ways that this weakness has woven itself into the fabric of my life.
So, I grieve the paradox today - knowing that underneath the sorrow I truly want Grace to continue to heal and grow into the mommy she was designed to be. That's where my joy lies, down that path where Grace and Melody build a separate, full, complete life that includes relationship with me, but is not dependent on me. Nor, for that matter, am I dependent on their life either - each of us whole and healthy and happy to be together without the desperate, sick ties. Ahhhh, that will be good....
Finally, as Melody was in the bath I made myself lay down in the dark of my room and just rest and pray for a minute. The tears came almost immediately - and the source was unexpected. I realized that I am caught in this horrible paradox. If I wish for Grace to get better, that means she takes Melody away. If I wish to stay in the current role as 'most important caregiver' for Melody, that means my daughter gets worse. Either way I loose something important to me.
As I cried, I also knew deep inside that Jesus will walk with me no matter what happens. And as I let my logic take over today, I realize that God knew what He was doing when He gave Melody to Grace, not me. In His perfect design for Melody's life, hubby and I are a secondary support - not the primary caregivers.
It's that massive co-dependency that drives me to want to be on the throne of Melody's affections. It's more than just wanting to be in control, although that's a huge part of this. It's that I want her to love me, maybe not more than her mom, but to LOVE me.
It's like I depend on the love of a 9 year old to validate my existence. I need her affection, her approval in some sense. Weird but true. I can't really put it into words yet, but there is something sick there. It's related to what I call my approval addiction - my desperate drive to be sure all people like me all the time. I don't like myself, so I live through other's 'like' of me.
The desperation is getting so much better. I don't get overwhelmed with it too much anymore. And I know to go to prayer when I do. But as the layers of the onion get unpeeled, I see more ways that this weakness has woven itself into the fabric of my life.
So, I grieve the paradox today - knowing that underneath the sorrow I truly want Grace to continue to heal and grow into the mommy she was designed to be. That's where my joy lies, down that path where Grace and Melody build a separate, full, complete life that includes relationship with me, but is not dependent on me. Nor, for that matter, am I dependent on their life either - each of us whole and healthy and happy to be together without the desperate, sick ties. Ahhhh, that will be good....
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Methadone
Sometimes I think I love methadone. I hated that Grace choose this program for her recovery. It's just a substitute drug. It's more addicting than heroin. The withdrawals are more intense, last longer, are more painful and more dangerous. And I was afraid she would just turn from heroin to crack or meth or some other drug. But that hasn't happened.
She is stable, in just 4 months. She wants to start to wean herself off, which is a good sign. I'm still afraid of what that will look like - but what else is new. She could turn into Super Woman and I'd still be afraid.
What's with that anyway? How distrusting of me. Not distrusting of her necessarily, but of God. It drives my need for control and the horrible, constant, intense nagging. Grace was nagging me a bit yesterday and it bugged me. No wonder she and Melody get frustrated with my over-active nag machine...
I want to be able to let them both make mistakes and learn from them. My heart broke today when Melody started to cry at halftime in her last basketball game of the season. They have lost every game and with the score 6-20 half way through it was clear they would lose again. I wanted to rush in and fix the feeling - suffocate it with my love, or drown it by making up for it with gifts, or distract her with jibberish about character-building and effort (which is true, but she didn't need to hear that just then). But I fed her some jibberish and she buried the emotion... we are training her well.
I seem to know what to do when I sit here at the computer late at night. Hindsight is 20-20. But I don't live it out very well. Ah, well.... I'll keep trying. I'll choose to see the good happening in Grace. I think it is so much more than this new drug. She is trying so hard - and succeeding. I never could have dreamed she could be here so soon. I guess I don't love methadone, but I sure LOVE what Grace is doing with it...
She is stable, in just 4 months. She wants to start to wean herself off, which is a good sign. I'm still afraid of what that will look like - but what else is new. She could turn into Super Woman and I'd still be afraid.
What's with that anyway? How distrusting of me. Not distrusting of her necessarily, but of God. It drives my need for control and the horrible, constant, intense nagging. Grace was nagging me a bit yesterday and it bugged me. No wonder she and Melody get frustrated with my over-active nag machine...
I want to be able to let them both make mistakes and learn from them. My heart broke today when Melody started to cry at halftime in her last basketball game of the season. They have lost every game and with the score 6-20 half way through it was clear they would lose again. I wanted to rush in and fix the feeling - suffocate it with my love, or drown it by making up for it with gifts, or distract her with jibberish about character-building and effort (which is true, but she didn't need to hear that just then). But I fed her some jibberish and she buried the emotion... we are training her well.
I seem to know what to do when I sit here at the computer late at night. Hindsight is 20-20. But I don't live it out very well. Ah, well.... I'll keep trying. I'll choose to see the good happening in Grace. I think it is so much more than this new drug. She is trying so hard - and succeeding. I never could have dreamed she could be here so soon. I guess I don't love methadone, but I sure LOVE what Grace is doing with it...
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Back At It
It feels weird getting started again, but I still have something come to mind that I should process almost daily. It helps me to process here.... I've been tied up with a big project that turned out to be way more work than I thought. I went into panic mode a few weeks ago (deadline is Monday). I think I'm going to make it. Now I have to return to the more mundane task of living....
I find myself wondering what I will do with my time next week once I send off my project. It's been so all-consuming. Although the pressure was hard, it was kinda nice to have something to occupy my brain. No random worries (other than the project), no unexpected fears to palpitate my heart. Now I won't have that mental block against my life.
That probably doesn't make sense. But I've used work as a way to numb for so long. I keep myself distracted so I don't have to feel, so I don't have to notice all the inconsistencies and hurts in my life. And I place so much of my value in what I do. I have no concept of being valuable without doing something to earn it.
I understand intellectually how that is wrong, but I have no idea what it's like to actually live without my crutch - to make every decision, react to every situation, to feel every emotion from a base, core place of being valuable and ok regardless of what's going on in my life.
So next week I lose my latest buffer. And I'll try not to replace it. Guess I just need to dive in and wade my way through the challenge without any advance notice on what each step will look like and no guarantee what the outcome will be. Dang - I'd rather stay busy proving my worth...
I find myself wondering what I will do with my time next week once I send off my project. It's been so all-consuming. Although the pressure was hard, it was kinda nice to have something to occupy my brain. No random worries (other than the project), no unexpected fears to palpitate my heart. Now I won't have that mental block against my life.
That probably doesn't make sense. But I've used work as a way to numb for so long. I keep myself distracted so I don't have to feel, so I don't have to notice all the inconsistencies and hurts in my life. And I place so much of my value in what I do. I have no concept of being valuable without doing something to earn it.
I understand intellectually how that is wrong, but I have no idea what it's like to actually live without my crutch - to make every decision, react to every situation, to feel every emotion from a base, core place of being valuable and ok regardless of what's going on in my life.
So next week I lose my latest buffer. And I'll try not to replace it. Guess I just need to dive in and wade my way through the challenge without any advance notice on what each step will look like and no guarantee what the outcome will be. Dang - I'd rather stay busy proving my worth...
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