It feels weird getting started again, but I still have something come to mind that I should process almost daily. It helps me to process here.... I've been tied up with a big project that turned out to be way more work than I thought. I went into panic mode a few weeks ago (deadline is Monday). I think I'm going to make it. Now I have to return to the more mundane task of living....
I find myself wondering what I will do with my time next week once I send off my project. It's been so all-consuming. Although the pressure was hard, it was kinda nice to have something to occupy my brain. No random worries (other than the project), no unexpected fears to palpitate my heart. Now I won't have that mental block against my life.
That probably doesn't make sense. But I've used work as a way to numb for so long. I keep myself distracted so I don't have to feel, so I don't have to notice all the inconsistencies and hurts in my life. And I place so much of my value in what I do. I have no concept of being valuable without doing something to earn it.
I understand intellectually how that is wrong, but I have no idea what it's like to actually live without my crutch - to make every decision, react to every situation, to feel every emotion from a base, core place of being valuable and ok regardless of what's going on in my life.
So next week I lose my latest buffer. And I'll try not to replace it. Guess I just need to dive in and wade my way through the challenge without any advance notice on what each step will look like and no guarantee what the outcome will be. Dang - I'd rather stay busy proving my worth...
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