I Know Her Pain

She's a mother and she cannot protect him. I know her pain intimately. That uncontrollable need to build a safe nest for your child. To do anything to make it ok, even if it means finding any available excuse for the addiction.

One of my siblings called yesterday to talk about their child's drug addiction. It's tearing their family apart. God, how I recognized the pain - what if the drug test is wrong and this isn't really a third failure that will mean expulsion from school? What more can they say, what more can they do? What course to set for this young adult already caught in the grip of this hell?

It's impossible to detach in the midst of the crisis and think clearly enough to make a rational decision. Knowing that one must let go and let your child walk into the darkness is impossible. I say that as one who waited too long to cut her loose. They say the addict has to reach bottom before they will change - the same is true for their mother.

Last summer, I remember looking at Grace just after CPS had taken Melody and she was living at a local drug house. Her arms were covered with track lines, every available vein had been punctured to feed the poison to her body. She was begging for help, so lost and alone. It ripped my heart in shreds to leave her standing there. But I had no more to give her...

As I drove away and glanced at her one last time, my heart saw more than the devastation that my eyes saw. My heart saw my baby girl as I held her for the first time, it felt the joy of seeing her first step, it knew again the connection of hearing the first time she said "mama". How in God's sweet name do you walk away from your child when they are in so much pain?

I know in retrospect it was the right thing. But it still hurts to remember that moment. Beneath the horror and anguish of that decision to turn away, I knew it was the only way to save her life. We had tried everything else, literally. We had spent 15 years running frantically looking for a solution. God how I hate this disease!!!!

So, I know the pain in my sibling's family. I understand the desperate search for answers. I know full well the strength of denial and how devastating the struggle is for everyone in the family. I pray they find power in their love to turn their backs and walk away from their child. It seems the opposite of love, but it is the only chance they have to save his life. Choose to remember holding the sweet baby, look into his eyes with that same tenderness and wish him well as he walks into the darkness...