Methadone

Sometimes I think I love methadone. I hated that Grace choose this program for her recovery. It's just a substitute drug. It's more addicting than heroin. The withdrawals are more intense, last longer, are more painful and more dangerous. And I was afraid she would just turn from heroin to crack or meth or some other drug. But that hasn't happened.

She is stable, in just 4 months. She wants to start to wean herself off, which is a good sign. I'm still afraid of what that will look like - but what else is new. She could turn into Super Woman and I'd still be afraid.

What's with that anyway? How distrusting of me. Not distrusting of her necessarily, but of God. It drives my need for control and the horrible, constant, intense nagging. Grace was nagging me a bit yesterday and it bugged me. No wonder she and Melody get frustrated with my over-active nag machine...

I want to be able to let them both make mistakes and learn from them. My heart broke today when Melody started to cry at halftime in her last basketball game of the season. They have lost every game and with the score 6-20 half way through it was clear they would lose again. I wanted to rush in and fix the feeling - suffocate it with my love, or drown it by making up for it with gifts, or distract her with jibberish about character-building and effort (which is true, but she didn't need to hear that just then). But I fed her some jibberish and she buried the emotion... we are training her well.

I seem to know what to do when I sit here at the computer late at night. Hindsight is 20-20. But I don't live it out very well. Ah, well.... I'll keep trying. I'll choose to see the good happening in Grace. I think it is so much more than this new drug. She is trying so hard - and succeeding. I never could have dreamed she could be here so soon. I guess I don't love methadone, but I sure LOVE what Grace is doing with it...