Paradox

I had a tough day yesterday for no particular reason. Just that buzz in the background, a tension just under the surface that I couldn't put my finger on. I knew I was feeling some kind of emotional pain, but had no specific source that I could identify.

Finally, as Melody was in the bath I made myself lay down in the dark of my room and just rest and pray for a minute. The tears came almost immediately - and the source was unexpected. I realized that I am caught in this horrible paradox. If I wish for Grace to get better, that means she takes Melody away. If I wish to stay in the current role as 'most important caregiver' for Melody, that means my daughter gets worse. Either way I loose something important to me.

As I cried, I also knew deep inside that Jesus will walk with me no matter what happens. And as I let my logic take over today, I realize that God knew what He was doing when He gave Melody to Grace, not me. In His perfect design for Melody's life, hubby and I are a secondary support - not the primary caregivers.

It's that massive co-dependency that drives me to want to be on the throne of Melody's affections. It's more than just wanting to be in control, although that's a huge part of this. It's that I want her to love me, maybe not more than her mom, but to LOVE me.

It's like I depend on the love of a 9 year old to validate my existence. I need her affection, her approval in some sense. Weird but true. I can't really put it into words yet, but there is something sick there. It's related to what I call my approval addiction - my desperate drive to be sure all people like me all the time. I don't like myself, so I live through other's 'like' of me.

The desperation is getting so much better. I don't get overwhelmed with it too much anymore. And I know to go to prayer when I do. But as the layers of the onion get unpeeled, I see more ways that this weakness has woven itself into the fabric of my life.

So, I grieve the paradox today - knowing that underneath the sorrow I truly want Grace to continue to heal and grow into the mommy she was designed to be. That's where my joy lies, down that path where Grace and Melody build a separate, full, complete life that includes relationship with me, but is not dependent on me. Nor, for that matter, am I dependent on their life either - each of us whole and healthy and happy to be together without the desperate, sick ties. Ahhhh, that will be good....