Sorrow

Phil killed himself 16 years ago in May. Dad died 15 years ago in April. Even with the promise of spring, the soft gentle rains and color returning to the earth, the season holds dark memories for me. Death is so permanent. It leaves such emptiness. There is a darkness and hollow sorrow that contrasts the returning life around me.

I spoke today at the dedication of a memorial for Phil. I only spoke of the good things, and the vast majority of his life was so good. It was just that last final moment that was not. In his last  act, he selfishly ended his pain but brought such multitude of sorrows for his children, family and friends.

I'll never know what it was like in his mind, how intense his pain was. But it still seems like he took the easy way out, especially seeing the havoc his choice made in the lives around him. I know its not my place to judge, but if he had known how much he destroyed with his death, I don't think he would have put that gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

I hope Grace knows such clarity of thought as she faces her future. The hard part for her starts now. She's achieved all the big goals now. A's and B's this quarter in school, got her own place, got a job. All that's left is for CPS to catch up and send Melody back to her.

It's the day to day drudgery that she has to figure out how to handle now. It's the fight with the boss, the co-worker who slights her, it's Melody hitting the teen years and fighting to leave her mom. It will be the challenge of weaning herself off methadone and having to deal with the depression or other emotions that she's never really faced before.

I can only hope that she remembers the lessons from Phil - from his life and from his death. She said today how selfish he was to take his own life. May she remember that as she faces her own pain...