God, I hate our social service system. I've always known the best way to deliver help to the needy is through the local church where real people touch the hurting in real ways. There is flexibility and reason and accountability that is not possible in the current bureaucracy.
I know my goal with this blog is to focus on my own healing journey, but my journey intersects with Grace's struggles so often. I don't get as angry on her behalf, or worry as much about her response to these injustices, or fret as much trying to find ways to correct it so she'll stay calm. I still do all those things, just not as much... But she's facing almost insurmountable odds and the system that's supposed to help her keeps cutting her down.
The current kick in the gut was the letter that arrived yesterday from Child Support Enforcement or some other convolutedly named agency. Grace dared to get a job, so now she has to pay the state $166 a month for child support and pay to put Melody on her medical insurance. That's in addition to the $450 she has to pay for the methadone program because she's now working. And after her food stamps get cut off because she's going to school. Meanwhile, Melody's dead beat dad who has never bothered to even inquire as to Melody's existence (and who makes more money than Grace) only pays the state $50 per month.
She can either quit her job/school to survive and loose any hope of getting custody of Melody, or run at a deficit and hope she gets custody before the bill collectors catch up to her. Or give up on it all and go back to the streets. Some choice.
Grace is understandably angry. What she does with that anger will determine her future. I can see the principles that drive the system to make her pay. But it is so illogical, so hurtful right now. She's doing everything she's been asked to do - got her own place, got a job, going to school, building a solid future for her and Melody. But she needs support at this early stage, not what feels like punishment.
I want rage against the machine with her. I want to tell her what to do, or do it for her. I want to write letters, call senators and newspaper columnists again. I want to rattle some cages and tell her tale to anyone who will listen.
But this is not my battle. There is much I can do to support her and love her and befriend her. But this is her battle to fight, to figure out and resolve. The best thing I can do for her is sit on the sidelines cheering her on, confident in her ability to fight her way out. I don't help her by fighting for her, or by sitting on the sidelines biting my fingernails in fear.
I have no idea how to do this. One day at a time I guess... Watch the system punish the remarkable progress she's made and stay silent unless she asks for help. So I'll sit here.... one day at a time...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
It Pisses Me Off
Can I say that as a Christian woman? I guess I could be more polite about it, but not tonight. I was going to write an open letter to Grace about how much I hate some of her beliefs, but I've calmed down a bit. Now I'm just pissed...
She is hurting in a very real way. Her panic and fear is understandable. Her methadone coverage is cut off next week. She had come up with $450 cash each month out of thin air. She can't see how to make it work and I can't either unless she gives up something. It's just plain wrong that she can't get the program covered because she dares to bring in more than $196 a month in wages. And her food stamps get cut off in June if she continues in school. The system punishes her for doing what she should be doing.
But what really got me today was when she walked out angry again/still that we "took" Melody away from her. She believes that we lied in order to manipulate the system and get control of our granddaughter. She is dead wrong.
She is angry at CPS for not giving her custody back by now. She's been clean almost 6 months, she thinks she's proven herself. But 15 years of history can't be overturned with a few months of towing the line - even if its been a spectacular 6 months. She's earned unlimited access to her daughter and will soon have overnights. It's a painfully slow process. She was told upfront it would be at least a year.
Right now Melody represents medical coverage, welfare payments, food stamps. I know Grace's love runs much deeper than the dollar signs attached to custody, but its hard to see that sometimes when she's railing against the system or us.
I want to shout at her sometimes... Her life is in the toilet because SHE put it there. She has a really deep hole to climb out of, but I don't owe her ANYTHING! I want to support her, but I will not accept responsibility for where her life is right now.
Of course I can't say any of that to her. I'm terrified of her anger, and that of her father. They both respond with 10 times any anger I might throw at them. They know me well enough how to hit hard and deep. And I'm afraid she'll use again. Ok, I know that excuse doesn't hold water - I'm not responsible for her choices even if I'm the source of her anger.
So I hold the anger inside. I'm trying to work it through with God. I'm getting better at recognizing when the accusations thrown at me are false, and I don't take them to heart as much. And I'm learning to state my views carefully and calmly - even if that means the fur is going to fly. That's real progress for me.
I don't want to respond in anger when I feel it anyway. It just would be nice to know that I was strong enough to, that I was making a conscience choice to respond calmly rather than knowing that my lack of response was based in fear. That fear keeps me from saying things I need to say sometimes. Like letting Grace know her life is in the toilet right now because of her choices, not mine...
She is hurting in a very real way. Her panic and fear is understandable. Her methadone coverage is cut off next week. She had come up with $450 cash each month out of thin air. She can't see how to make it work and I can't either unless she gives up something. It's just plain wrong that she can't get the program covered because she dares to bring in more than $196 a month in wages. And her food stamps get cut off in June if she continues in school. The system punishes her for doing what she should be doing.
But what really got me today was when she walked out angry again/still that we "took" Melody away from her. She believes that we lied in order to manipulate the system and get control of our granddaughter. She is dead wrong.
She is angry at CPS for not giving her custody back by now. She's been clean almost 6 months, she thinks she's proven herself. But 15 years of history can't be overturned with a few months of towing the line - even if its been a spectacular 6 months. She's earned unlimited access to her daughter and will soon have overnights. It's a painfully slow process. She was told upfront it would be at least a year.
Right now Melody represents medical coverage, welfare payments, food stamps. I know Grace's love runs much deeper than the dollar signs attached to custody, but its hard to see that sometimes when she's railing against the system or us.
I want to shout at her sometimes... Her life is in the toilet because SHE put it there. She has a really deep hole to climb out of, but I don't owe her ANYTHING! I want to support her, but I will not accept responsibility for where her life is right now.
Of course I can't say any of that to her. I'm terrified of her anger, and that of her father. They both respond with 10 times any anger I might throw at them. They know me well enough how to hit hard and deep. And I'm afraid she'll use again. Ok, I know that excuse doesn't hold water - I'm not responsible for her choices even if I'm the source of her anger.
So I hold the anger inside. I'm trying to work it through with God. I'm getting better at recognizing when the accusations thrown at me are false, and I don't take them to heart as much. And I'm learning to state my views carefully and calmly - even if that means the fur is going to fly. That's real progress for me.
I don't want to respond in anger when I feel it anyway. It just would be nice to know that I was strong enough to, that I was making a conscience choice to respond calmly rather than knowing that my lack of response was based in fear. That fear keeps me from saying things I need to say sometimes. Like letting Grace know her life is in the toilet right now because of her choices, not mine...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Emanuel
There are cycles in life; in the day to day and in the bigger seasons. I'm enjoying a few good days. I catch myself worrying about the next down cycle or analysing the current mood to death... my way of protecting my heart. Problem is my self-protection is that doesn't work. I used to think God would protect me from everything bad or hurtful, but that belief is changing.
I am coming to realize there is no protection from this broken world. Things hurt. People make wrong choices. Life sucks sometimes. There is hope that someday all our tears will be wiped away in heaven, but till then we just hold on.
What is changing in me is the very real knowledge that Jesus is with me no matter what happens. He weeps with me. He holds me when I grieve. He knows the pain of a mother whose daughter struggles, the fear of a wife who can't live up to her own expectations. He's experienced it all, knows intimately the challenge of anything I will face. There is so much life in walking with Emanuel - God with us. I so appreciate not only the lessons taught in this truth, but the chance to practice this new walk within a loving community.
I had to confront someone last week. It was hard and I was so frightened. The response was challenging, but the process brought hope. I am so much more at peace knowing I did the right thing, no matter what the consequences. I know there will more confrontations. But the whisper from Emanuel yesterday gave me even more hope ~ that I can trust my heart even when others around me do not.
So me and my heart will enjoy this time of peace with a loving God who promises to never leave me or forsake me. The battles with fear will come again, the tears and the grieving. But for now I rest...
I am coming to realize there is no protection from this broken world. Things hurt. People make wrong choices. Life sucks sometimes. There is hope that someday all our tears will be wiped away in heaven, but till then we just hold on.
What is changing in me is the very real knowledge that Jesus is with me no matter what happens. He weeps with me. He holds me when I grieve. He knows the pain of a mother whose daughter struggles, the fear of a wife who can't live up to her own expectations. He's experienced it all, knows intimately the challenge of anything I will face. There is so much life in walking with Emanuel - God with us. I so appreciate not only the lessons taught in this truth, but the chance to practice this new walk within a loving community.
I had to confront someone last week. It was hard and I was so frightened. The response was challenging, but the process brought hope. I am so much more at peace knowing I did the right thing, no matter what the consequences. I know there will more confrontations. But the whisper from Emanuel yesterday gave me even more hope ~ that I can trust my heart even when others around me do not.
So me and my heart will enjoy this time of peace with a loving God who promises to never leave me or forsake me. The battles with fear will come again, the tears and the grieving. But for now I rest...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Family
My nephew is moving out/getting kicked out. Those of you with teenagers in pain know what I mean - when the battle escalates and the movement just happens. It doesn't much matter who decided what, it just is...
So yet another child in my family turns to drugs for salvation. But they are choosing death, not life. My God, it seems like almost everyone of this generation has walked this path. Grace and three of her cousins to date. Only one has avoided it. His answer was to join the Marines and head to battle next month. Meanwhile the rest of us rail against the evil, but it's like we flail our arms and punch the air. We divorce, and have affairs and seem to hate our lives and those around us - and expect that our kids will somehow become angels.
I see the beginnings in Melody. Her sullen moods, her disdain for me, how she so quickly runs from anything painful or frightening. I want so much to protect her, to fix her or feed her a bunch of information so she'll choose right, or control everything for her...
Yet I know the best thing I can do by far is to model health for her. I don't have any idea what that looks like most days. I am getting better at recognizing what it is not. I guess that's progress - to know what choices not to make. Just to stand still and wait until the right choice becomes clear. One baby step at a time with lots of waiting in between. Excruciating for someone like me who avoids pain with busyness, who builds their worth around how well they perform. Somehow that seems to fit, doesn't it? Walking a completely new path...
May this new path bring healing to my family as well. It's all I can do. I know the old path leads to only more destruction. I watch and wait and pray - for me and Grace and Melody and hubby and my brother and his wife and my nephew and his sisters and on and on and on...
So yet another child in my family turns to drugs for salvation. But they are choosing death, not life. My God, it seems like almost everyone of this generation has walked this path. Grace and three of her cousins to date. Only one has avoided it. His answer was to join the Marines and head to battle next month. Meanwhile the rest of us rail against the evil, but it's like we flail our arms and punch the air. We divorce, and have affairs and seem to hate our lives and those around us - and expect that our kids will somehow become angels.
I see the beginnings in Melody. Her sullen moods, her disdain for me, how she so quickly runs from anything painful or frightening. I want so much to protect her, to fix her or feed her a bunch of information so she'll choose right, or control everything for her...
Yet I know the best thing I can do by far is to model health for her. I don't have any idea what that looks like most days. I am getting better at recognizing what it is not. I guess that's progress - to know what choices not to make. Just to stand still and wait until the right choice becomes clear. One baby step at a time with lots of waiting in between. Excruciating for someone like me who avoids pain with busyness, who builds their worth around how well they perform. Somehow that seems to fit, doesn't it? Walking a completely new path...
May this new path bring healing to my family as well. It's all I can do. I know the old path leads to only more destruction. I watch and wait and pray - for me and Grace and Melody and hubby and my brother and his wife and my nephew and his sisters and on and on and on...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Pain
I have no right to complain, especially when I see the trauma and pain in the lives of those around me. The family at church whose 31 year old daughter left the clean and sober house after 2 years yesterday, the family whose van was torched for no reason in their driveway, the mother whose daughter was just molested, the friend whose brother is missing while she deals with her husband's serious illness - those are the ones who have a cause for complaint. But not me...
Yet I am feeling so much pain - most of it I can't share here. We all have seasons where all we can do is stand. This is one of those seasons for me. My daughter is doing well, for that I am grateful. Now I need to learn to stand on my own, without all my props.
I don't have anyone to rescue, I don't have anyone I have to please. I know I could turn again to those patterns and fill my life with that fake sense of meaning, but I refuse. I could begin again to scurry around, doing anything and everything to be sure everyone in my life is happy with me. But then what? It NEVER gets me anywhere - no matter how hard I try someone is critical of something, or I worry they will be, or the rescuing just begets more rescuing. It's a crazy cycle that is killing me.
It is so hard to break out of this, to even understand what's driving me - much less to make new choices. Right now all I know is I can't do it anymore. All I can do is stand. That takes all my strength. Just to stand and not crumple into a heap. I don't know the next step. I trust it will become clear when it's time to move. For now I stand... upright... face heavenward... waiting for the sun... standing in grace and hope... no complaints, just holding on...
Yet I am feeling so much pain - most of it I can't share here. We all have seasons where all we can do is stand. This is one of those seasons for me. My daughter is doing well, for that I am grateful. Now I need to learn to stand on my own, without all my props.
I don't have anyone to rescue, I don't have anyone I have to please. I know I could turn again to those patterns and fill my life with that fake sense of meaning, but I refuse. I could begin again to scurry around, doing anything and everything to be sure everyone in my life is happy with me. But then what? It NEVER gets me anywhere - no matter how hard I try someone is critical of something, or I worry they will be, or the rescuing just begets more rescuing. It's a crazy cycle that is killing me.
It is so hard to break out of this, to even understand what's driving me - much less to make new choices. Right now all I know is I can't do it anymore. All I can do is stand. That takes all my strength. Just to stand and not crumple into a heap. I don't know the next step. I trust it will become clear when it's time to move. For now I stand... upright... face heavenward... waiting for the sun... standing in grace and hope... no complaints, just holding on...
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