Can I say that as a Christian woman? I guess I could be more polite about it, but not tonight. I was going to write an open letter to Grace about how much I hate some of her beliefs, but I've calmed down a bit. Now I'm just pissed...
She is hurting in a very real way. Her panic and fear is understandable. Her methadone coverage is cut off next week. She had come up with $450 cash each month out of thin air. She can't see how to make it work and I can't either unless she gives up something. It's just plain wrong that she can't get the program covered because she dares to bring in more than $196 a month in wages. And her food stamps get cut off in June if she continues in school. The system punishes her for doing what she should be doing.
But what really got me today was when she walked out angry again/still that we "took" Melody away from her. She believes that we lied in order to manipulate the system and get control of our granddaughter. She is dead wrong.
She is angry at CPS for not giving her custody back by now. She's been clean almost 6 months, she thinks she's proven herself. But 15 years of history can't be overturned with a few months of towing the line - even if its been a spectacular 6 months. She's earned unlimited access to her daughter and will soon have overnights. It's a painfully slow process. She was told upfront it would be at least a year.
Right now Melody represents medical coverage, welfare payments, food stamps. I know Grace's love runs much deeper than the dollar signs attached to custody, but its hard to see that sometimes when she's railing against the system or us.
I want to shout at her sometimes... Her life is in the toilet because SHE put it there. She has a really deep hole to climb out of, but I don't owe her ANYTHING! I want to support her, but I will not accept responsibility for where her life is right now.
Of course I can't say any of that to her. I'm terrified of her anger, and that of her father. They both respond with 10 times any anger I might throw at them. They know me well enough how to hit hard and deep. And I'm afraid she'll use again. Ok, I know that excuse doesn't hold water - I'm not responsible for her choices even if I'm the source of her anger.
So I hold the anger inside. I'm trying to work it through with God. I'm getting better at recognizing when the accusations thrown at me are false, and I don't take them to heart as much. And I'm learning to state my views carefully and calmly - even if that means the fur is going to fly. That's real progress for me.
I don't want to respond in anger when I feel it anyway. It just would be nice to know that I was strong enough to, that I was making a conscience choice to respond calmly rather than knowing that my lack of response was based in fear. That fear keeps me from saying things I need to say sometimes. Like letting Grace know her life is in the toilet right now because of her choices, not mine...
No comments:
Post a Comment