Pain

I have no right to complain, especially when I see the trauma and pain in the lives of those around me. The family at church whose 31 year old daughter left the clean and sober house after 2 years yesterday, the family whose van was torched for no reason in their driveway, the mother whose daughter was just molested, the friend whose brother is missing while she deals with her husband's serious illness - those are the ones who have a cause for complaint. But not me...

Yet I am feeling so much pain - most of it I can't share here. We all have seasons where all we can do is stand. This is one of those seasons for me. My daughter is doing well, for that I am grateful. Now I need to learn to stand on my own, without all my props.

I don't have anyone to rescue, I don't have anyone I have to please. I know I could turn again to those patterns and fill my life with that fake sense of meaning, but I refuse. I could begin again to scurry around, doing anything and everything to be sure everyone in my life is happy with me. But then what? It NEVER gets me anywhere - no matter how hard I try someone is critical of something, or I worry they will be, or the rescuing just begets more rescuing. It's a crazy cycle that is killing me.

It is so hard to break out of this, to even understand what's driving me - much less to make new choices. Right now all I know is I can't do it anymore. All I can do is stand. That takes all my strength. Just to stand and not crumple into a heap. I don't know the next step. I trust it will become clear when it's time to move. For now I stand... upright... face heavenward... waiting for the sun... standing in grace and hope... no complaints, just holding on...