Day of Peace

A pleasant day today, productive and restful. But I think I'm only enjoying the day because it was productive. I want to get past all this negative emotion and be able to focus more on the good things in my life. I know there is so much more that is wonderful in my life than not, but most days I only see the bad.

I think in some ways that's a defense mechanism. If I only see the bad, I can prepare emotionally and not be disappointed. But its not reality. I promised myself after Grace admitted her addiction that I would not hide anymore; that I would look for and acknowledge the truth from now on. That means more than listening to the nagging doubts when they surface. It means recognizing the blessings in my life too.

Today's Blessings:

• The sun shone just a little bit,  it was not a steady rain like yesterday
• Melody smiled at me
• Hubby sold his motorcycle after realizing he had way to much of his ego and identity wrapped up in that machine. I'm proud of him.
• Grace got her car running again - and thanked her dad for helping her.
• I am employed
• The spring time colors on the rodys are specular around every corner
• We have wonderful neighbors who love us daily
• Grace is making progress and gets to have Melody overnight tomorrow
• I have wonderful friends and a wonderful church family
• I know the God of the universe loves me like crazy
• I have hope for my future

Ahhhh, life is good....

The Power of Shame

I wonder if God leads me down these crazy paths just to teach me things... And to help rid me of the burden I sometimes carry for things that are not mine to carry.

I had that experience last fall when I interviewed for a job that seemed to have everything I'd ever dreamed of. But I blew it at the interview, as usual. But this time I was able to let go of the stress enough to learn some very important lessons (like don't focus on the people interviewing me, on what I think those non-verbal messages are - just have a few succinct selling points to say rather than worrying about what they are thinking). I went back to hiring person afterwards, put my foot in my mouth and hung up knowing I was beating a dead horse.

But I was so sure God was leading me to apply this time. The application and cover letter came together perfectly and powerfully. Why did He let me down? My guess is it was so I could learn these lessons at the interview. And just after I let it go, there was a major announcement in the news that would have made the job impossible - a betrayal of voter trust for this public agency that I would have had to bear the brunt of if I'd gotten the job.

So I'm trying to remember this lesson as I grapple with today's challenge. See, I thought I'd felt a small lump on my breast. I'd found it a couple of times last week. Being the responsible girl I am, I went to the doctor Monday. Only I couldn't find the darn thing with an audience, nor could the doc. We did a mammogram and ultrasound today, still nothing. And once again, I couldn't find any lump to save my soul.

I was so overwhelmed with shame by the time the head radiologist came in to confirm the ultrasound readings, all I wanted to do was curl up in a closet and cry. It was such a strong emotion, overwhelming...

It's a strange sensation to be more in touch with my emotions. I feel them now, when they first hit - rather than running around finding excuses or trying to hide from them. It's not pleasant sometimes. I guess its supposed to be better, right?

Actually, I know it's better to feel them... but its not fun. It's like so many things I have to do these days. I know something is out there that I have to do, and it's always messy and clumsy at first. I feel like a bull in a china shop. Eventually I learn how to walk with more grace and finesse, but it's like learning to walk all over again each time.

So today, I felt the shame and didn't run. I tried to comfort myself with food - not so good. I need my brain fully functioning to learn this new walk... so I can pray and know God's presence in the midst of the emotion. I can hear His truth better if I'm awake, not drugged by sugar and carbs. And eating junk only adds to my shame... huh, funny cycle. Shame begets more shame begets more shame.

Excuse me, I think I need to go pray now. A loving God who wants to carry all my shame needs to tell me some truth about who I am and how He sees me. And that's more important than what the folks at the breast center or my doctor think of me, even though they were all very nice and supportive...

What If She Doesn't Make It

I cried some more tonight. I guess that's a good thing, better than holding it inside. It's like a pin will prick the bubble and the tears fall. That's good for me, better than ignoring it and trying to cover it up with super-human busyness. It will also be good for me to let go soon and allow Grace the freedom to walk her own path, even if its not the path I want for her.

Tonight, a friend posted a lullaby by the Dixie Chicks. As I listened, I was holding Grace again, rocking her to sleep and dreaming of her future. God's speed, little one... my love will fly to you each night on angels wings... sweet dreams... All I could think as I looked again into the face of my baby girl was 'what if she doesn't make it?'.

How does a mother deal with an adult child who chooses such destruction? How do I let go and let my baby die? How is that possible? How can I let go of that connection to her as a child in my arms enough to see the reality of her as a grown woman? She gets to choose, not me. She gets to decide how she will live her life, not me. She might not make it and I have to allow that because I don't get to choose. She does.

So the adult in me recognizes that one fall is not the end of the world. I know I am grieving tonight. I need to do this. But it's not black and white - all clean or all dirty. If she really has stayed clean since January, hurray! She's got a lot to overcome, maybe perfection is too much to hope for.

That's part of the grieving. Hope has died in me. And trust. I don't trust her. I was just starting to believe in her again. How sad, how empty to be back where we were a year ago. I still love her and want good for her. I still believe she is capable of doing this. But something that was just starting to grow was ripped out today.

I've now required that she get me a copy of all her UA's from the methadone program before we offer any more help. It's a first step to rebuild a little trust. God, I hope they are all clean except the one in January that she admitted to. I hope she's being honest with me. I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope she makes it....

Tears

I cried in front of Grace today. She mentioned in passing that she got a dirty UA in January for cocaine.... damn it, damn it, damn it. It was 5 months ago, no big deal to her. But I cried. At least she didn't get mad at me, I just changed the subject so I could stop crying.

It's her life, right? Why should I be so wrapped up in her performance? She was clean 2 months before that, clean 5 months after. She's doing well. But damn it anyway! I am so disappointed. I suppose it was bound to happen. But how can I trust her?

She said again today how she cannot do this, meet everyone's demands and stay the course. She was angry in January, probably after our big fight. I was sure she was going to use again, and sure enough she did. Just not heroin - thank God for small mercies (I guess).

So what do I do with the overwhelming sorrow? Just take a chill pill and pretend its not my problem? Except that it is. If she continues to run to drugs every time she gets mad or hopeless (like she is now), Melody has no hope of every returning to her mom. That has a pretty big impact on my future - much less the emotional impact on the whole family.

So, I recognize it is a big deal even if Grace wants to minimize it. Not sure what to do next... probably nothing for right now. I need to process this and let myself work through the emotions before deciding what to do, if anything. Damn it anyway....

Baby Steps

Right or wrong, I'm exerting a lot of control over Grace right now. I'm subsidizing her where I can since the public health system that sucked her into its very firm grip has now cut her loose to bleed on the street. But man do I have strings attached!

I want her to know there is hope, that she can weather this storm and build up her muscle - and come out on the other side stronger. She's never really had to push her way through a major challenge before. She's always turned to drugs to cope before.

The only way I will help is if I see that she's doing all she can to help herself. That usually means each little installment from me includes a list of things that has to be done first. I hope she feels some relief in having the structure, although most of the time she's getting the required things done before I ask her, and doing additional things I don't think of.

She's had to write a letter to Mr. Methadone, the guy in charge of our local public health program. He was all over the place wanting to help when I raised a stink last summer and had our local senator's office and a newspaper columnist asking about help for Grace. Funny, now that there's no public spotlight, he's not responding...

She's had to call her employer's medical insurance carrier to see if they'll cover her methadone. They won't cover ANY substance abuse assistance, but if she can get some doctor to prescribe the drug they'll cover it. I wonder if that will work - only $150 a month for medical insurance instead of $450 just for the methadone program.

She aced her test today in art, called the counselor that CPS wants her to meet with and said no to a friend who wanted a ride without offering to pay for gas - all on her own today. She's worked every extra minute she can, even at her minimum wage, dead end job.

Grace gets paid on Thursday. It will be interesting to see how well she controls having that cash. She has to save most of it for rent. If I see her wasting any of it, she's on her own. I hope we both can hold to that.

I feel like she's fighting for her life right now - and for Melody's. She's so sure that everyone is against her, that she has to fight so much harder than those around her to meet the same basic needs. She doesn't think its fair - and in some ways its not.

The asshole 'friend' who introduced her to heroin has parents who pay his rent and cover his daily methadone, so he can go out and do other drugs. The new 'friend' from the clinic that bums a ride every day gets social security disability for emotional problems much less severe than what Grace goes through daily. They milk the system, then turn around and try to milk Grace for money or rides or cigarettes. Such is the self-centered life of an addict...

So, I'll help with the baby steps where I can. Most of the effort is hers. I pray I can discern when I need to stand back and let her fall. I'm not too stressed out about that  possibility, mostly sad at the thought. I think I can withhold help if I see her slack up. But right now she is fighting with all she has, even in the depression and anger and hurt. Baby steps for both of us...

PS: I hope I'm not too offensive for swearing at the kid who introduced heroin to Grace. I know it was only a matter of time before she ended up there on her own. But I hate him all the same... guess I'll have to deal with that hatred eventually. Baby steps, baby steps...

Crappy

It’s been a crappy day – no real reason I can point to, just struggling with my crappy emotions. I know where they came from and have a bit of an idea what to do with them, but that doesn’t change the moment to moment challenge of living through them.

I’ve decided to take better care of myself. That means I’m eating better, seeing a counselor and starting to prepare for being laid off in 6 months or so from my job. It’s that last piece that got the ball rolling downhill this morning. I went to a networking event and cornered a couple of people about getting together to ‘ask for their advice’.

God, I hate it! It feels like begging. Everyone else can find jobs all on their own without snooping around, asking for help or hinting for a job. I have good skills – a wild mix to be sure – but I have a lot to offer. I should be at the height of my career, especially considering my education and the student loans I am still paying off. Instead I depress myself looking for job openings on-line all afternoon.

I realize I have way too much of my self worth tied up in my job. I would guess that’s typical for a performance-aholic like me. Not only do I need to do well at work, I crave kudos and compliments like the sugar I cannot eat.

That’s another depressing thing today. I wanted to drown my sorrow in chips and cake today. Instead I ate an apple and pretzels. When I’m sad, I want that sweet-salty taste to distract me, but mostly I want that sensation of being very full – of my stomach filled to the brim and content, ready to bring on sleep and relax me.

So, I struggled through the day, snapped at Grace, turned down a date with hubby and sit at the computer. I did indulge in that last piece of cake, but only one piece. And I recognize I need to just hold on until the mood passes. I know I am not defined by my performance. How well I do my job or keep my house or please my husband or daughter or granddaughter does not determine my worth. It just feels like it sometimes.

Quiet

I've been waiting for some major development or grand revelation before blogging again. But perhaps there is value in just developing the discipline to sit down and write every few days even if nothing big is happening. I tend to run fast and furious in order to avoid my feelings. I am often busy out of habit - and part of that habit is avoiding my feelings until they get strong enough to be noticed. Maybe forcing myself to sit, write and concentrate every few days will break that habit.

So, where should I probe? Overall I'm feeling pretty good. I had to confront hubby on a big issue about a month ago. He handled it very well and it gives me hope for the future. I am feeling more in touch with my heart and spirit, more in control of my life. I've been able to see each step I need to take in these important relationships. They are baby steps often, and I only get to see one step at a time. But it's a miracle to see the step - and have the strength to take it.

I started seeing a counselor recently. We went through my family tree today. It was interesting to look at the big picture... parents who never divorced but who hurt each other often. I'm the oldest of 5 siblings, 2 sibs with 2 divorces each, 1 sib with serious mental health issues (in my opinion), myself and my little brother that I was closest to have managed to hold onto our marriages, but I don't see either of us with strong, healthy relationships. And I've already mentioned that almost all our kids have dealt with serious drug addictions.

Yet I loved my childhood. It felt normal to me. We played and had fun and did sports. I developed some pretty spectacular skills that serve me well today, especially if I can keep them in balance. I'm organized and can plan ahead real well - its a great way to protect myself. I anticipate what's needed and get everything done ahead of time so there's no conflict or upsetness. I'm sensitive to people's moods and work really hard to meet their needs.

See how that can be good at work? And even at home? The problem is that I do all that without any regard for what is best for the people involved. My sole goal is to avoid conflict no matter what the cost to me personally or what it does to others around me. That's part of the reason I have a daughter who turns 31 this month that has no clue how to manage her life. She's never had to, I've always done it for her...

Guess that's enough probing for tonight....