Baby Steps

Right or wrong, I'm exerting a lot of control over Grace right now. I'm subsidizing her where I can since the public health system that sucked her into its very firm grip has now cut her loose to bleed on the street. But man do I have strings attached!

I want her to know there is hope, that she can weather this storm and build up her muscle - and come out on the other side stronger. She's never really had to push her way through a major challenge before. She's always turned to drugs to cope before.

The only way I will help is if I see that she's doing all she can to help herself. That usually means each little installment from me includes a list of things that has to be done first. I hope she feels some relief in having the structure, although most of the time she's getting the required things done before I ask her, and doing additional things I don't think of.

She's had to write a letter to Mr. Methadone, the guy in charge of our local public health program. He was all over the place wanting to help when I raised a stink last summer and had our local senator's office and a newspaper columnist asking about help for Grace. Funny, now that there's no public spotlight, he's not responding...

She's had to call her employer's medical insurance carrier to see if they'll cover her methadone. They won't cover ANY substance abuse assistance, but if she can get some doctor to prescribe the drug they'll cover it. I wonder if that will work - only $150 a month for medical insurance instead of $450 just for the methadone program.

She aced her test today in art, called the counselor that CPS wants her to meet with and said no to a friend who wanted a ride without offering to pay for gas - all on her own today. She's worked every extra minute she can, even at her minimum wage, dead end job.

Grace gets paid on Thursday. It will be interesting to see how well she controls having that cash. She has to save most of it for rent. If I see her wasting any of it, she's on her own. I hope we both can hold to that.

I feel like she's fighting for her life right now - and for Melody's. She's so sure that everyone is against her, that she has to fight so much harder than those around her to meet the same basic needs. She doesn't think its fair - and in some ways its not.

The asshole 'friend' who introduced her to heroin has parents who pay his rent and cover his daily methadone, so he can go out and do other drugs. The new 'friend' from the clinic that bums a ride every day gets social security disability for emotional problems much less severe than what Grace goes through daily. They milk the system, then turn around and try to milk Grace for money or rides or cigarettes. Such is the self-centered life of an addict...

So, I'll help with the baby steps where I can. Most of the effort is hers. I pray I can discern when I need to stand back and let her fall. I'm not too stressed out about that  possibility, mostly sad at the thought. I think I can withhold help if I see her slack up. But right now she is fighting with all she has, even in the depression and anger and hurt. Baby steps for both of us...

PS: I hope I'm not too offensive for swearing at the kid who introduced heroin to Grace. I know it was only a matter of time before she ended up there on her own. But I hate him all the same... guess I'll have to deal with that hatred eventually. Baby steps, baby steps...