Crappy

It’s been a crappy day – no real reason I can point to, just struggling with my crappy emotions. I know where they came from and have a bit of an idea what to do with them, but that doesn’t change the moment to moment challenge of living through them.

I’ve decided to take better care of myself. That means I’m eating better, seeing a counselor and starting to prepare for being laid off in 6 months or so from my job. It’s that last piece that got the ball rolling downhill this morning. I went to a networking event and cornered a couple of people about getting together to ‘ask for their advice’.

God, I hate it! It feels like begging. Everyone else can find jobs all on their own without snooping around, asking for help or hinting for a job. I have good skills – a wild mix to be sure – but I have a lot to offer. I should be at the height of my career, especially considering my education and the student loans I am still paying off. Instead I depress myself looking for job openings on-line all afternoon.

I realize I have way too much of my self worth tied up in my job. I would guess that’s typical for a performance-aholic like me. Not only do I need to do well at work, I crave kudos and compliments like the sugar I cannot eat.

That’s another depressing thing today. I wanted to drown my sorrow in chips and cake today. Instead I ate an apple and pretzels. When I’m sad, I want that sweet-salty taste to distract me, but mostly I want that sensation of being very full – of my stomach filled to the brim and content, ready to bring on sleep and relax me.

So, I struggled through the day, snapped at Grace, turned down a date with hubby and sit at the computer. I did indulge in that last piece of cake, but only one piece. And I recognize I need to just hold on until the mood passes. I know I am not defined by my performance. How well I do my job or keep my house or please my husband or daughter or granddaughter does not determine my worth. It just feels like it sometimes.