The Power of Shame

I wonder if God leads me down these crazy paths just to teach me things... And to help rid me of the burden I sometimes carry for things that are not mine to carry.

I had that experience last fall when I interviewed for a job that seemed to have everything I'd ever dreamed of. But I blew it at the interview, as usual. But this time I was able to let go of the stress enough to learn some very important lessons (like don't focus on the people interviewing me, on what I think those non-verbal messages are - just have a few succinct selling points to say rather than worrying about what they are thinking). I went back to hiring person afterwards, put my foot in my mouth and hung up knowing I was beating a dead horse.

But I was so sure God was leading me to apply this time. The application and cover letter came together perfectly and powerfully. Why did He let me down? My guess is it was so I could learn these lessons at the interview. And just after I let it go, there was a major announcement in the news that would have made the job impossible - a betrayal of voter trust for this public agency that I would have had to bear the brunt of if I'd gotten the job.

So I'm trying to remember this lesson as I grapple with today's challenge. See, I thought I'd felt a small lump on my breast. I'd found it a couple of times last week. Being the responsible girl I am, I went to the doctor Monday. Only I couldn't find the darn thing with an audience, nor could the doc. We did a mammogram and ultrasound today, still nothing. And once again, I couldn't find any lump to save my soul.

I was so overwhelmed with shame by the time the head radiologist came in to confirm the ultrasound readings, all I wanted to do was curl up in a closet and cry. It was such a strong emotion, overwhelming...

It's a strange sensation to be more in touch with my emotions. I feel them now, when they first hit - rather than running around finding excuses or trying to hide from them. It's not pleasant sometimes. I guess its supposed to be better, right?

Actually, I know it's better to feel them... but its not fun. It's like so many things I have to do these days. I know something is out there that I have to do, and it's always messy and clumsy at first. I feel like a bull in a china shop. Eventually I learn how to walk with more grace and finesse, but it's like learning to walk all over again each time.

So today, I felt the shame and didn't run. I tried to comfort myself with food - not so good. I need my brain fully functioning to learn this new walk... so I can pray and know God's presence in the midst of the emotion. I can hear His truth better if I'm awake, not drugged by sugar and carbs. And eating junk only adds to my shame... huh, funny cycle. Shame begets more shame begets more shame.

Excuse me, I think I need to go pray now. A loving God who wants to carry all my shame needs to tell me some truth about who I am and how He sees me. And that's more important than what the folks at the breast center or my doctor think of me, even though they were all very nice and supportive...