Tears

I cried in front of Grace today. She mentioned in passing that she got a dirty UA in January for cocaine.... damn it, damn it, damn it. It was 5 months ago, no big deal to her. But I cried. At least she didn't get mad at me, I just changed the subject so I could stop crying.

It's her life, right? Why should I be so wrapped up in her performance? She was clean 2 months before that, clean 5 months after. She's doing well. But damn it anyway! I am so disappointed. I suppose it was bound to happen. But how can I trust her?

She said again today how she cannot do this, meet everyone's demands and stay the course. She was angry in January, probably after our big fight. I was sure she was going to use again, and sure enough she did. Just not heroin - thank God for small mercies (I guess).

So what do I do with the overwhelming sorrow? Just take a chill pill and pretend its not my problem? Except that it is. If she continues to run to drugs every time she gets mad or hopeless (like she is now), Melody has no hope of every returning to her mom. That has a pretty big impact on my future - much less the emotional impact on the whole family.

So, I recognize it is a big deal even if Grace wants to minimize it. Not sure what to do next... probably nothing for right now. I need to process this and let myself work through the emotions before deciding what to do, if anything. Damn it anyway....