What If She Doesn't Make It

I cried some more tonight. I guess that's a good thing, better than holding it inside. It's like a pin will prick the bubble and the tears fall. That's good for me, better than ignoring it and trying to cover it up with super-human busyness. It will also be good for me to let go soon and allow Grace the freedom to walk her own path, even if its not the path I want for her.

Tonight, a friend posted a lullaby by the Dixie Chicks. As I listened, I was holding Grace again, rocking her to sleep and dreaming of her future. God's speed, little one... my love will fly to you each night on angels wings... sweet dreams... All I could think as I looked again into the face of my baby girl was 'what if she doesn't make it?'.

How does a mother deal with an adult child who chooses such destruction? How do I let go and let my baby die? How is that possible? How can I let go of that connection to her as a child in my arms enough to see the reality of her as a grown woman? She gets to choose, not me. She gets to decide how she will live her life, not me. She might not make it and I have to allow that because I don't get to choose. She does.

So the adult in me recognizes that one fall is not the end of the world. I know I am grieving tonight. I need to do this. But it's not black and white - all clean or all dirty. If she really has stayed clean since January, hurray! She's got a lot to overcome, maybe perfection is too much to hope for.

That's part of the grieving. Hope has died in me. And trust. I don't trust her. I was just starting to believe in her again. How sad, how empty to be back where we were a year ago. I still love her and want good for her. I still believe she is capable of doing this. But something that was just starting to grow was ripped out today.

I've now required that she get me a copy of all her UA's from the methadone program before we offer any more help. It's a first step to rebuild a little trust. God, I hope they are all clean except the one in January that she admitted to. I hope she's being honest with me. I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope she makes it....