My heart is heavy with vague rumblings tonight. I took a different route home that led me past my old haunts from just before I got married. It reminded me of those days, the innocence and hope I had for my future. How differently my life has turned out from those early dreams.
That's not to say my life has been a failure. And I believe in the power of redemption. As I struggle to find health and wholeness at age 54, that healing will redeem many of the rumblings I sense in my heart.
But I was struck tonight looking at those familiar roads that I haven't seen for 30 years - struck by the memory of the emotions of a naive young girl grasping for love from the first man who had ever noticed her. He is a good man and we are meant to be together. But I was driven by such anxiety and unseen fears back then - still am in so many ways.
And the dream of many children to fill my home and give me the love I needed ended up being forced onto the one child who was unintentionally created before our marriage vows. Hubby told me I was lucky to get one, if it hadn't happened by accident he would never have had children.
So I harbored and protected and separated them - this child and her father. I'm not sure it's really what he wanted, but it was a good excuse to ingrain myself as her provider and nurturer. That insured that she would love me more, and need me as much as I needed her.
She became my sole focus in life. She was my friend, my source of comfort and confidence. I home schooled her, I took her everywhere, I gave her anything she wanted. When I remained empty, I abandoned her in pursuit of other do-good activities.
What pressure for a child... and what betrayal. Part of this growing up process I'm in is to acknowledge the wrongs. And stay balanced by not beating myself up over them. I wish I could undo them - go back to those long forgotten roads and choose a different route. Impossible, but there is value in recognizing the wrong turns and learning from them. Such are the lessons from the rumblings in my heart tonight.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I'm Not The Only One
I read about me this week. It wasn't pleasant. My counselor had me read a book called "The Enabler: when helping hurts the ones you love." My life filled those pages.... Thankfully I've made some of the discoveries the author describes already, but I've got a long way to go.
I've always believed that if it was within my ability to help, I was obligated to do so. If Grace wanted something, or even if she didn't but I thought she might need it, I had it ready for her. If hubby wanted an errand run, even if it was inconvenient and he had more time to run it himself, I'd make sure it got done. Anything to earn those brownie points and keep the peace.
I especially identified with the peacekeeper role the author described. I've gone to such lengths to keep conflict out of my house. I can't stand any fighting. I go into panic mode anytime there is the slightest disagreement, pushing all parties into their separate corners and placating each of them so they won't fight. That pretty much describes Grace's childhood, especially the teen years trying to keep her and her dad at peace. Always the savior, earning the love...
The problem is now I have to fight to be honest with both of them. They have thankfully both matured enough to where their disagreements are no longer physical and their anger is not directed at each other - at least not on the surface. But I've spent so much time making excuses for both of them, I have a hard time sorting out how I feel about any given situation.
It's so hard for me to think when they are not happy. All I want to do is make them happy - whatever it costs. I have no idea how to let them live with their own consequences, let them feel what they need to feel and not rush to manipulate their circumstances or distract them.
The author calls it being honest. Letting my family know what I think (knowing what I think is a challenge in itself) is a necessary step on honesty. It's all tied up with needing to be the savior, but the more immediate threat is that being honest means they might not like me - or even worse - they might get mad at me! My palms get itchy from nerves at the mere thought...
I know I'm getting better, but I have such a long, long way to go. I've had to confront hubby twice now on big issues the last few months. It's an on-going battle with Grace. At least she's recognizing that I have the right to take a stand and say no even if she disagrees....
No easy answers, no quick fixes. I want it all done now, all nice and pretty and peaceful right now. Somehow change does not come that easily. At least I was reminded this week that I am not the only one....
I've always believed that if it was within my ability to help, I was obligated to do so. If Grace wanted something, or even if she didn't but I thought she might need it, I had it ready for her. If hubby wanted an errand run, even if it was inconvenient and he had more time to run it himself, I'd make sure it got done. Anything to earn those brownie points and keep the peace.
I especially identified with the peacekeeper role the author described. I've gone to such lengths to keep conflict out of my house. I can't stand any fighting. I go into panic mode anytime there is the slightest disagreement, pushing all parties into their separate corners and placating each of them so they won't fight. That pretty much describes Grace's childhood, especially the teen years trying to keep her and her dad at peace. Always the savior, earning the love...
The problem is now I have to fight to be honest with both of them. They have thankfully both matured enough to where their disagreements are no longer physical and their anger is not directed at each other - at least not on the surface. But I've spent so much time making excuses for both of them, I have a hard time sorting out how I feel about any given situation.
It's so hard for me to think when they are not happy. All I want to do is make them happy - whatever it costs. I have no idea how to let them live with their own consequences, let them feel what they need to feel and not rush to manipulate their circumstances or distract them.
The author calls it being honest. Letting my family know what I think (knowing what I think is a challenge in itself) is a necessary step on honesty. It's all tied up with needing to be the savior, but the more immediate threat is that being honest means they might not like me - or even worse - they might get mad at me! My palms get itchy from nerves at the mere thought...
I know I'm getting better, but I have such a long, long way to go. I've had to confront hubby twice now on big issues the last few months. It's an on-going battle with Grace. At least she's recognizing that I have the right to take a stand and say no even if she disagrees....
No easy answers, no quick fixes. I want it all done now, all nice and pretty and peaceful right now. Somehow change does not come that easily. At least I was reminded this week that I am not the only one....
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Empty House
I am alone for two nights. Melody gets two overnights in a row with Grace. It's so quiet here... other than the dog pacing. Hubby's upstairs sleeping and I'm fighting the urge to clean house just to fill the void.
I have no idea how to do this - how to live a strong, independent life at peace with myself. I am driven to fill the emptiness with something... work to prove myself... or food... or TV... The goal is for Grace to get Melody back soon. I may very well be cut out completely at that point. I want them to be together. But I'm so afraid of being alone.
Funny, that's a concern I have with Grace right now. She demands to have Melody around her whenever she can. She "gets lonely". Grace is angry when I allow Melody to go overnight with friends because that means she has to be alone. I sure understand, especially tonight....
But I have to keep in mind what's best for Melody, and I have to force Grace to do the same. It's not easy - in fact its really hard - but it can and must be done. So I'll sit in quiet for a few moments and savor the clean, silent house knowing that my girls are giggling in the cottage just down the road. At least the dog stopped pacing.
I have no idea how to do this - how to live a strong, independent life at peace with myself. I am driven to fill the emptiness with something... work to prove myself... or food... or TV... The goal is for Grace to get Melody back soon. I may very well be cut out completely at that point. I want them to be together. But I'm so afraid of being alone.
Funny, that's a concern I have with Grace right now. She demands to have Melody around her whenever she can. She "gets lonely". Grace is angry when I allow Melody to go overnight with friends because that means she has to be alone. I sure understand, especially tonight....
But I have to keep in mind what's best for Melody, and I have to force Grace to do the same. It's not easy - in fact its really hard - but it can and must be done. So I'll sit in quiet for a few moments and savor the clean, silent house knowing that my girls are giggling in the cottage just down the road. At least the dog stopped pacing.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Assignment
I have an assignment due tomorrow at the counselor's office. I have to write about an event, then identify my feelings about said event. I was even handed a list of a couple hundred feeling words. I think I'm supposed to focus on something from my childhood, but I'm having trouble remembering that far back. At 54, childhood was a loooooog time ago. I can remember general trends and feelings, but to tie them to a specific event is challenging.
I guess I'll start with a memory that I believe God recently brought up. It was a summer night when I was about 7 or 8. I was sleeping on the front patio. It was late and my parents were inside the living room, drunk and fighting. It was particularly intense this night, and dishes started to fly along with the screams and cursing. I remember laying on the bed, wishing it would stop.
I felt so afraid. I was afraid they would hurt each other. I was afraid Dad would leave and never come back. I was worried what the younger kids were experiencing upstairs. I couldn't be there to protect them, or at least be with them to help ease their fears. I felt helpless wanting to get between my parents and stop the fighting somehow.
When this memory came up recently, I asked Jesus to show me where He was while this was going on. The picture that came to mind was Him sitting on the bed with my head on his knee while He stroked my hair back from my forehead to comfort me. It felt like He asked me what I wanted, and all I could do was cry that I wanted my daddy.
I wanted Dad to comfort me and tell me it was going to be ok. I wanted him to assure me that he was not going anywhere. I didn't want the attacks from Mom to drive him away. It was one thing for her to attack me, but it was even more frightening that she might jeopardize my main source of comfort and love (my papa).
I don't remember being angry at mom during this event. I must have been, but it was (and still is) very unsafe to be angry at this short and powerful woman who knows how to throw an emotional punch. It's such a strange feeling to love someone, yet fear them and their anger.... hummmm, feels a lot like my relationship with both my husband and my daughter.
It brings to mind last week when I experienced such intense anger at my hubby. He wasn't there, which probably made it easier to feel the emotion. I had to watch the impact on Melody from a decision he imposed on her (over my objections). When I got back to the car alone I was crying and trembling, overwhelmed by this hatred of what he had done.
Unlike with my mother, I was able to sort out the emotion a little better and then examine the situation from a fresh perspective. And I decided that despite my fear of my husband and fear of doing the wrong thing in God's eyes, I took a stand for what I believe is best for Melody. Hubby was not happy, but I didn't cave in. I am sure about this one and despite my fears, I need to do what I believe is right.
Things are different with Mom. I've been an adult and making my own decisions without her approval for decades. But the pattern I built with her is still there in other significant relationships. And it is still a rare occasion when I am bold enough to give her an honest opinion.
I have some growing to do in all my relationships, but I'm on the way. I am becoming more secure in the love of a Savior who would sit on the edge of the bed and comfort me while I weep for my daddy. That security gives me strength to stand against my fears and speak the truth in love.
Guess I've got the assignment done for the counselor tomorrow....
I guess I'll start with a memory that I believe God recently brought up. It was a summer night when I was about 7 or 8. I was sleeping on the front patio. It was late and my parents were inside the living room, drunk and fighting. It was particularly intense this night, and dishes started to fly along with the screams and cursing. I remember laying on the bed, wishing it would stop.
I felt so afraid. I was afraid they would hurt each other. I was afraid Dad would leave and never come back. I was worried what the younger kids were experiencing upstairs. I couldn't be there to protect them, or at least be with them to help ease their fears. I felt helpless wanting to get between my parents and stop the fighting somehow.
When this memory came up recently, I asked Jesus to show me where He was while this was going on. The picture that came to mind was Him sitting on the bed with my head on his knee while He stroked my hair back from my forehead to comfort me. It felt like He asked me what I wanted, and all I could do was cry that I wanted my daddy.
I wanted Dad to comfort me and tell me it was going to be ok. I wanted him to assure me that he was not going anywhere. I didn't want the attacks from Mom to drive him away. It was one thing for her to attack me, but it was even more frightening that she might jeopardize my main source of comfort and love (my papa).
I don't remember being angry at mom during this event. I must have been, but it was (and still is) very unsafe to be angry at this short and powerful woman who knows how to throw an emotional punch. It's such a strange feeling to love someone, yet fear them and their anger.... hummmm, feels a lot like my relationship with both my husband and my daughter.
It brings to mind last week when I experienced such intense anger at my hubby. He wasn't there, which probably made it easier to feel the emotion. I had to watch the impact on Melody from a decision he imposed on her (over my objections). When I got back to the car alone I was crying and trembling, overwhelmed by this hatred of what he had done.
Unlike with my mother, I was able to sort out the emotion a little better and then examine the situation from a fresh perspective. And I decided that despite my fear of my husband and fear of doing the wrong thing in God's eyes, I took a stand for what I believe is best for Melody. Hubby was not happy, but I didn't cave in. I am sure about this one and despite my fears, I need to do what I believe is right.
Things are different with Mom. I've been an adult and making my own decisions without her approval for decades. But the pattern I built with her is still there in other significant relationships. And it is still a rare occasion when I am bold enough to give her an honest opinion.
I have some growing to do in all my relationships, but I'm on the way. I am becoming more secure in the love of a Savior who would sit on the edge of the bed and comfort me while I weep for my daddy. That security gives me strength to stand against my fears and speak the truth in love.
Guess I've got the assignment done for the counselor tomorrow....
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Psalm 136
I read Psalm 136 this morning; its recounting of the many great deeds of a mighty God, each verse ending with for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever. What a wonderful litany of the strong hand of a loving Father, a reminder of His care and faithfulness. I want to document His great deeds and faithfulness in my life too...
Remember, oh my soul, how great has been His faithfulness to you, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He is the God of the universe, creator of heaven and earth yet has come down to dwell among us, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He has chosen to abide with me forever and will never leave me or forsake me, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He has given me new life through the finished work of the cross, He has regenerated my spirit and communes with me every moment of every day, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He has wrought mighty miracles in my heart, strengthening me to stand when I felt I was going to die and He is teaching me to know and choose truth no matter what the cost, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He is working miracles in my family, some visible and others still hidden, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
I give thanks for my salvation, for this walk into maturity, for miracles great and small both in me and in my family - and mostly for His mercy and loving-kindness that endure forever!
Remember, oh my soul, how great has been His faithfulness to you, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He is the God of the universe, creator of heaven and earth yet has come down to dwell among us, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He has chosen to abide with me forever and will never leave me or forsake me, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He has given me new life through the finished work of the cross, He has regenerated my spirit and communes with me every moment of every day, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He has wrought mighty miracles in my heart, strengthening me to stand when I felt I was going to die and He is teaching me to know and choose truth no matter what the cost, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
He is working miracles in my family, some visible and others still hidden, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever;
I give thanks for my salvation, for this walk into maturity, for miracles great and small both in me and in my family - and mostly for His mercy and loving-kindness that endure forever!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Life And Death
This month has given me cause to reassess my priorities. I've had two friends, both younger than I am, die unexpectedly. Dave just collapsed, Michell had a few days to say goodbye. Both feel like tragic thefts of lives with so much still to live.
We laid Michell to rest today, Dave a few weeks ago. Despite the sorrow, I am grateful for the time spent with these two treasures. They planted seeds of wisdom and love that have grown over the years in my heart. The focus today is Michell, my sweet sister with a heart of steel. She loved her husband and children fiercely. She devoted her life to her family. I understand her commitment and pray she found balance that I have yet to achieve... but that's the subject of a different blog post.
Today, I realize that I need to cherish each moment I have. I want to choose life with my remaining days. The scripture below from Deuteronomy 30 comes to mind:
15 “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, 16 in that I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the LORD your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. 17 But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, 18 I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. 19 I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; 20 that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”
I no longer want to serve the god of "busyness" or ego or even family. There is nothing that can compare to walking in deep relationship with God moment to moment to moment. It's from that well-spring that life flows, that family and friends are blessed, that my self esteem is at rest, that my time is set in healthy priorities and I don't need to avoid my emotions with good deeds.
Michell chose well. She loved and blessed so many around her. Like Dorcas of Acts, we spent today weeping and showing each other the gifts she gave us while she was with us. But I still wish I could hear her voice again, listen to her sing, share worship with her... Some day we'll stand with the angels and sing praises to the God of the universe who chose to take her home before I was ready. In her honor and by her example, I will choose life today - that it may go well for me and my descendants in the land He is giving me...
We laid Michell to rest today, Dave a few weeks ago. Despite the sorrow, I am grateful for the time spent with these two treasures. They planted seeds of wisdom and love that have grown over the years in my heart. The focus today is Michell, my sweet sister with a heart of steel. She loved her husband and children fiercely. She devoted her life to her family. I understand her commitment and pray she found balance that I have yet to achieve... but that's the subject of a different blog post.
Today, I realize that I need to cherish each moment I have. I want to choose life with my remaining days. The scripture below from Deuteronomy 30 comes to mind:
15 “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, 16 in that I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the LORD your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. 17 But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, 18 I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. 19 I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; 20 that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”
I no longer want to serve the god of "busyness" or ego or even family. There is nothing that can compare to walking in deep relationship with God moment to moment to moment. It's from that well-spring that life flows, that family and friends are blessed, that my self esteem is at rest, that my time is set in healthy priorities and I don't need to avoid my emotions with good deeds.
Michell chose well. She loved and blessed so many around her. Like Dorcas of Acts, we spent today weeping and showing each other the gifts she gave us while she was with us. But I still wish I could hear her voice again, listen to her sing, share worship with her... Some day we'll stand with the angels and sing praises to the God of the universe who chose to take her home before I was ready. In her honor and by her example, I will choose life today - that it may go well for me and my descendants in the land He is giving me...
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