Assignment

I have an assignment due tomorrow at the counselor's office. I have to write about an event, then identify my feelings about said event. I was even handed a list of a couple hundred feeling words. I think I'm supposed to focus on something from my childhood, but I'm having trouble remembering that far back. At 54, childhood was a loooooog time ago. I can remember general trends and feelings, but to tie them to a specific event is challenging.

I guess I'll start with a memory that I believe God recently brought up. It was a summer night when I was about 7 or 8. I was sleeping on the front patio. It was late and my parents were inside the living room, drunk and fighting. It was particularly intense this night, and dishes started to fly along with the screams and cursing. I remember laying on the bed, wishing it would stop.

I felt so afraid. I was afraid they would hurt each other. I was afraid Dad would leave and never come back. I was worried what the younger kids were experiencing upstairs. I couldn't be there to protect them, or at least be with them to help ease their fears. I felt helpless wanting to get between my parents and stop the fighting somehow.

When this memory came up recently, I asked Jesus to show me where He was while this was going on. The picture that came to mind was Him sitting on the bed with my head on his knee while He stroked my hair back from my forehead to comfort me. It felt like He asked me what I wanted, and all I could do was cry that I wanted my daddy.

I wanted Dad to comfort me and tell me it was going to be ok. I wanted him to assure me that he was not going anywhere. I didn't want the attacks from Mom to drive him away. It was one thing for her to attack me, but it was even more frightening that she might jeopardize my main source of comfort and love (my papa).

I don't remember being angry at mom during this event. I must have been, but it was (and still is) very unsafe to be angry at this short and powerful woman who knows how to throw an emotional punch. It's such a strange feeling to love someone, yet fear them and their anger.... hummmm, feels a lot like my relationship with both my husband and my daughter.

It brings to mind last week when I experienced such intense anger at my hubby. He wasn't there, which probably made it easier to feel the emotion. I had to watch the impact on Melody from a decision he imposed on her (over my objections). When I got back to the car alone I was crying and trembling, overwhelmed by this hatred of what he had done.

Unlike with my mother, I was able to sort out the emotion a little better and then examine the situation from a fresh perspective. And I decided that despite my fear of my husband and fear of doing the wrong thing in God's eyes, I took a stand for what I believe is best for Melody. Hubby was not happy, but I didn't cave in. I am sure about this one and despite my fears, I need to do what I believe is right.

Things are different with Mom. I've been an adult and making my own decisions without her approval for decades. But the pattern I built with her is still there in other significant relationships. And it is still a rare occasion when I am bold enough to give her an honest opinion.

I have some growing to do in all my relationships, but I'm on the way. I am becoming more secure in the love of a Savior who would sit on the edge of the bed and comfort me while I weep for my daddy. That security gives me strength to stand against my fears and speak the truth in love.

Guess I've got the assignment done for the counselor tomorrow....