I read about me this week. It wasn't pleasant. My counselor had me read a book called "The Enabler: when helping hurts the ones you love." My life filled those pages.... Thankfully I've made some of the discoveries the author describes already, but I've got a long way to go.
I've always believed that if it was within my ability to help, I was obligated to do so. If Grace wanted something, or even if she didn't but I thought she might need it, I had it ready for her. If hubby wanted an errand run, even if it was inconvenient and he had more time to run it himself, I'd make sure it got done. Anything to earn those brownie points and keep the peace.
I especially identified with the peacekeeper role the author described. I've gone to such lengths to keep conflict out of my house. I can't stand any fighting. I go into panic mode anytime there is the slightest disagreement, pushing all parties into their separate corners and placating each of them so they won't fight. That pretty much describes Grace's childhood, especially the teen years trying to keep her and her dad at peace. Always the savior, earning the love...
The problem is now I have to fight to be honest with both of them. They have thankfully both matured enough to where their disagreements are no longer physical and their anger is not directed at each other - at least not on the surface. But I've spent so much time making excuses for both of them, I have a hard time sorting out how I feel about any given situation.
It's so hard for me to think when they are not happy. All I want to do is make them happy - whatever it costs. I have no idea how to let them live with their own consequences, let them feel what they need to feel and not rush to manipulate their circumstances or distract them.
The author calls it being honest. Letting my family know what I think (knowing what I think is a challenge in itself) is a necessary step on honesty. It's all tied up with needing to be the savior, but the more immediate threat is that being honest means they might not like me - or even worse - they might get mad at me! My palms get itchy from nerves at the mere thought...
I know I'm getting better, but I have such a long, long way to go. I've had to confront hubby twice now on big issues the last few months. It's an on-going battle with Grace. At least she's recognizing that I have the right to take a stand and say no even if she disagrees....
No easy answers, no quick fixes. I want it all done now, all nice and pretty and peaceful right now. Somehow change does not come that easily. At least I was reminded this week that I am not the only one....
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