Rumblings

My heart is heavy with vague rumblings tonight. I took a different route home that led me past my old haunts from just before I got married. It reminded me of those days, the innocence and hope I had for my future. How differently my life has turned out from those early dreams.

That's not to say my life has been a failure. And I believe in the power of redemption. As I struggle to find health and wholeness at age 54, that healing will redeem many of the rumblings I sense in my heart.

But I was struck tonight looking at those familiar roads that I haven't seen for 30 years - struck by the memory of the emotions of a naive young girl grasping for love from the first man who had ever noticed her. He is a good man and we are meant to be together. But I was driven by such anxiety and unseen fears back then - still am in so many ways.

And the dream of many children to fill my home and give me the love I needed ended up being forced onto the one child who was unintentionally created before our marriage vows. Hubby told me I was lucky to get one, if it hadn't happened by accident he would never have had children.

So I harbored and protected and separated them - this child and her father. I'm not sure it's really what he wanted, but it was a good excuse to ingrain myself as her provider and nurturer. That insured that she would love me more, and need me as much as I needed her.

She became my sole focus in life. She was my friend, my source of comfort and confidence. I home schooled her, I took her everywhere, I gave her anything she wanted. When I remained empty, I abandoned her in pursuit of other do-good activities.

What pressure for a child... and what betrayal. Part of this growing up process I'm in is to acknowledge the wrongs. And stay balanced by not beating myself up over them. I wish I could undo them - go back to those long forgotten roads and choose a different route. Impossible, but there is value in recognizing the wrong turns and learning from them. Such are the lessons from the rumblings in my heart tonight.