Today's Challenge

So, besides the daily struggles to keep up with life (and never finding that combination of time and energy to blog here), I am wondering today how much of my current struggles are real and how much of them are alive only in my mind? How much of what I'm seeing in my family is due to the reasons I think and how much could just be me putting a negative spin on something neutral?

I've spent so much of my life doing "damage control" - or rather "pre-damage control" - trying to anticipate the hurts before they come so I can prepare for them. But in the process, I'm always assuming the worst. That leaves me angry or sad or upset with those around me even if nothing is going on. And my actions and attitude will influence how they respond to me. It can be a vicious circle that starts in my fear and escalates into reality.

For instance, hubby has been very distant and non-communicative for several weeks. I assumed it was because he was mad at me based on our last in-depth conversation. Turns out he's been fighting migraine headaches for 6 weeks now. The new medicine is working wonders in his attitude - and my assumptions.

Maybe all his silence is not directly related to me... Maybe the world does not revolve around me... Maybe this family has motivations and reasons for how it functions that are not directly under my control... I know that in my head, but my heart wants it to be different. If I'm at the center then I'm in control. If I'm in control then I can ensure I won't get hurt or have to see others hurt. The problem is no human gets a painless life...

I think its part of getting real, of learning to see things as they really are. Living in denial is more than just seeing everything as "nice" and "ok" with no problems; sometimes its seeing everything as crisis or bad or ugly when its not. Most of the time its some combination. Today's challenge is figuring out where that balance is.

Mixed Emotions

I'm tired, content, sad and peaceful all at the same time. It was a wonderful day in the sun with Melody and three of her friends. Grace decided to take the parenting class that CPS is forcing on her, despite starting school yesterday. The summer quarter condenses a full 12 week quarter into 7 weeks. It's going to be a rough few weeks for her. I still struggle with how best to support her and where to draw the line between help and rescue...

There is much going on in the heavenlies I believe. Things are changing in my family. On the surface it seems so sad, so hurtful. But things that have been hidden or ignored for so long are being unveiled. Our hearts are being revealed, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I can't walk the same way any more, in that panicked pleaser mode. That means Grace walks 6+ miles home from work when its not convenient for me to pick her up. That means my husband is angry at me most of the time these days. It's a tough rode for both Grace and I right now, but as with any move into health, I believe the discipline will yield good results in time.

It's the day to day walk that's hard, yet more peaceful than I could have imagined. I'm making choices that I know are right. I know God's presence even in the hard moments. I am learning a great deal about myself and the character of a strong and loving Savior.

I keep praying for breakthrough, but maybe it's this drudgery and daily struggle that will produce the next season - like planting a garden. It takes time for the seeds to germinate and grow. There's weeding to be done along the way. For now, I will take pleasure in knowing the seeds are growing. I'll just relax and enjoy the sunshine until the flowers bloom.