Funny, reading through that last post highlights my confusion these days. See, my husband was indeed VERY angry with me. He was a little more talkative for a few days once his headaches eased, but it was short-lived. He continued in the silent treatment until another big explosion (or at least it felt like an explosion to me). I even moved my things into the spare bedroom while he was a church that night after the argument, but he came home remorseful and repentant. To his credit, he's been trying harder since then. But he still gets angry and says things that hurt me. And I'm so bruised it doesn't take much to make me bleed right now.
But all that is secondary to today's big milestone. Grace was officially "awarded" custody of Melody today. What a concept, like a prize in a contest. Hummm, kinda was in some respects. But Grace has made so much progress and everyone agreed it's time. We all cried in relief, even Grace.
On a side note, Grace pricked a memory in me tonight. She was complaining about how my husband and I hijacked her Facebook page when she disappeared after leaving treatment. We had promised we would have her arrested for the theft of my jewelery if she left treatment so she ran, leaving Melody with us. We were panicked, wanting to know she was ok. She rightfully resents having her privacy invaded that way and how we announced her drug use to all her friends and former co-workers. There are a thousand arguments for and against what we did, none of which I want to explore tonight.
But she said tonight in her bitterness that we didn't care about her welfare at the time. She has no concept... one of my most vivid memories at the time was getting the dentist's phone number ready in case we needed her dental records. We were prepared to identify her body if needed. How does a mother weigh these preparations against her daughter's right to privacy on Facebook?
Yet the bigger picture tonight is that Melody is officially under Grace's control again. I am jubilant - such a positive step. Grace has beat the odds already. She and Melody are relating so much better than I've ever seen them do. They love each other so much and deserve this.
It's so strange to feel this joy along with the deepest terror I've ever experienced in my life. It's not so much a fear that Grace will return to heroin (although that is a frightening possibility), or even the fear from loosing control over Melody (I can't protect her anymore)... I am deathly afraid of being alone...
They love each other and don't need me anymore. That was the whole point of this, right? But I have built my life on them, they give me meaning and purpose. I am nothing without them. They are all that is good in my life. Not only were they my distraction from all that is lacking in my marriage, they are the very essence of who I am. I cannot fathom a future where they function independently without me.
Weird. I've been telling Grace for decades now that she has to figure out how to function on her own. One of these days we won't be there to take care of her, to rescue her. Now she's fought her way to that reality all on her own. And I'm the one in a panic. I have no idea how to live like this...
