Funny, reading through that last post highlights my confusion these days. See, my husband was indeed VERY angry with me. He was a little more talkative for a few days once his headaches eased, but it was short-lived. He continued in the silent treatment until another big explosion (or at least it felt like an explosion to me). I even moved my things into the spare bedroom while he was a church that night after the argument, but he came home remorseful and repentant. To his credit, he's been trying harder since then. But he still gets angry and says things that hurt me. And I'm so bruised it doesn't take much to make me bleed right now.
But all that is secondary to today's big milestone. Grace was officially "awarded" custody of Melody today. What a concept, like a prize in a contest. Hummm, kinda was in some respects. But Grace has made so much progress and everyone agreed it's time. We all cried in relief, even Grace.
On a side note, Grace pricked a memory in me tonight. She was complaining about how my husband and I hijacked her Facebook page when she disappeared after leaving treatment. We had promised we would have her arrested for the theft of my jewelery if she left treatment so she ran, leaving Melody with us. We were panicked, wanting to know she was ok. She rightfully resents having her privacy invaded that way and how we announced her drug use to all her friends and former co-workers. There are a thousand arguments for and against what we did, none of which I want to explore tonight.
But she said tonight in her bitterness that we didn't care about her welfare at the time. She has no concept... one of my most vivid memories at the time was getting the dentist's phone number ready in case we needed her dental records. We were prepared to identify her body if needed. How does a mother weigh these preparations against her daughter's right to privacy on Facebook?
Yet the bigger picture tonight is that Melody is officially under Grace's control again. I am jubilant - such a positive step. Grace has beat the odds already. She and Melody are relating so much better than I've ever seen them do. They love each other so much and deserve this.
It's so strange to feel this joy along with the deepest terror I've ever experienced in my life. It's not so much a fear that Grace will return to heroin (although that is a frightening possibility), or even the fear from loosing control over Melody (I can't protect her anymore)... I am deathly afraid of being alone...
They love each other and don't need me anymore. That was the whole point of this, right? But I have built my life on them, they give me meaning and purpose. I am nothing without them. They are all that is good in my life. Not only were they my distraction from all that is lacking in my marriage, they are the very essence of who I am. I cannot fathom a future where they function independently without me.
Weird. I've been telling Grace for decades now that she has to figure out how to function on her own. One of these days we won't be there to take care of her, to rescue her. Now she's fought her way to that reality all on her own. And I'm the one in a panic. I have no idea how to live like this...
I am literally crying as I write this to you. "Doesn't need you anymore" could not be further from the truth. Those 2 need you more now than ever, but now not simply just for for what you can do, more solidly just because you are. You too have been given a second chance, a new opportunity, yes even a promotion. No longer the social worker, the probation officer, the keeper of all things stable and normal. You can now just be mother, grandmother and friend. What a wonderful, gigantic step forward for all of you!!! You have done a wonderful and glorious giving of self, of time, of energy that has in fact allowed Grace the opportunity to finally get herself righted. Believe me Karen, that would not have happened had you not stepped in and provided her with the security to know that her poor decisions were no longer going to be the sense of guilt that kept her in her own illness at her young daughter's expense. I can not and neither can she really, with any justification anyway say that you did it the wrong way!! On the contrary, you did all you knew how, the best way you could to literally save both her and her daughter's life. BRAVO!!
ReplyDeleteThe fact that it worked and she is free from that addiction speaks volumes that it must have been right thing to do or it would not have been successful. When you refuse to love someone to death, you have done the right thing. Where would either be right now had you not stepped up and charged in? Your fight was not with your daughter, it was with the devil himself that took her over and made her into someone you did not know and she could not defeat alone or she would have.
I also went to our common friends, many who I see she still refuses to communicate with and asked that same question. Lose a friend to save her or keep my mouth shut until the addiction killed her. Saving her from herself was so much more important to me and her other friends than me having a sick,lying, dying so called "friend". She hates me for it too. Not because I told, but because I told the truth to her.
Grace knows how much I loved that addict I cared for for 4 1/2 years. I speak from experience. I can live with that. She is alive and well and thriving and growing ONLY because people who cared about her did what they needed to do until she was strong enough to do it on her own. The same with Bobby, he would have not volunteered to care about himself under the influence of that drug. Now willfully clean and sober going on four years, he now can admit due only because we stopped helping by hiding his illness. Someday she will look back and see that, hopefully sooner than later.
I commend you on your strength, your resolve, your persistance and determination to do WHATEVER it took to get her back to good. You are what a good mother is. I think there is truth to the statement that if your children do not at one time or another like you, you aren't doing your job as a mother. Though there may have been some things you would do differently, it is impossible to argue that you were wrong. You are not perfect, neither is she and quite frankly, no one would trust you if you were! We do not learn from what we do right. We learn to do right from doing wrong.
Take the credit you so deserve. Focus on you and what makes you joyful. Invest your free time in things you love, others that need to be around you where you can make a real difference for someone else simply because you care.
I wish you all a joyful and deserving Thanksgiving. A true celebration for what is without worrying about what might have been. I thank God everyday, that through your daughter's illness I was able to get to know you! Grace has no idea how much unintentional good she has done in other's lives even when hers had run off the rails. I wish you peace, joy and happiness for all of you, all the days of your lives, no matter where you go from here.
Live♀,Laugh☺,Love♥
Me.
Thank you, sweet friend! Happy Thanksgiving to you too!
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