Quiet

I've been waiting for some major development or grand revelation before blogging again. But perhaps there is value in just developing the discipline to sit down and write every few days even if nothing big is happening. I tend to run fast and furious in order to avoid my feelings. I am often busy out of habit - and part of that habit is avoiding my feelings until they get strong enough to be noticed. Maybe forcing myself to sit, write and concentrate every few days will break that habit.

So, where should I probe? Overall I'm feeling pretty good. I had to confront hubby on a big issue about a month ago. He handled it very well and it gives me hope for the future. I am feeling more in touch with my heart and spirit, more in control of my life. I've been able to see each step I need to take in these important relationships. They are baby steps often, and I only get to see one step at a time. But it's a miracle to see the step - and have the strength to take it.

I started seeing a counselor recently. We went through my family tree today. It was interesting to look at the big picture... parents who never divorced but who hurt each other often. I'm the oldest of 5 siblings, 2 sibs with 2 divorces each, 1 sib with serious mental health issues (in my opinion), myself and my little brother that I was closest to have managed to hold onto our marriages, but I don't see either of us with strong, healthy relationships. And I've already mentioned that almost all our kids have dealt with serious drug addictions.

Yet I loved my childhood. It felt normal to me. We played and had fun and did sports. I developed some pretty spectacular skills that serve me well today, especially if I can keep them in balance. I'm organized and can plan ahead real well - its a great way to protect myself. I anticipate what's needed and get everything done ahead of time so there's no conflict or upsetness. I'm sensitive to people's moods and work really hard to meet their needs.

See how that can be good at work? And even at home? The problem is that I do all that without any regard for what is best for the people involved. My sole goal is to avoid conflict no matter what the cost to me personally or what it does to others around me. That's part of the reason I have a daughter who turns 31 this month that has no clue how to manage her life. She's never had to, I've always done it for her...

Guess that's enough probing for tonight....